Yoked

For almost a year and a half, I used to write letters to Loo's birth mom before I even knew her. That was the story of this blog...this blog was for her. Looking back, my words are morphing into a time capsule...to me. I realize now, I was writing to myself too. 

It's something I didn't quite understand then, but I do now. Her and I will always be yoked together. We are both mammas to a sweet little girl.

Even though we aren't physically together, I feel her, everyday. How I wish more than anything I could swoop in, wrap up my other half in a big hug, and keep her safe from the hurts she has known. My wish, sadly, feels as improbably as stumbling across a genie filled lamp. So, I'll do the only thing I know how to do...keep cheering her on from afar.

Dear Birthmom, 

Wherever you go, I hope you always know these things...

Know oh how loved you are. You are never alone, or forgotten. You aren't invisible. Know that our little lady knows your face from the pictures I show her. She knows your name. She prays for you. You are a part of her, and she is a part of you.

Know that I remember you. I remember you! I see your pain. You are tremendous for carrying on. I pray for you. You are a part of me, and I am a part of you.

Love, 

Us

The Plan

Dear Birthmom,

I'm a person who loves a good plan...(yeah, I'm that freak who gets a kick out of planning out the day to the t). Throughout our adoption adventure...I've pushed, pushed, and pushed for a plan. What's the plan? How are we going to accomplish it? What are the next steps?

But you know what i've learned...NOTHING HAS GONE ACCORDING TO "THE PLAN". Nothing. Shouldn't that freak me out? I'm learning...NO...it hasn't. I've felt oddly still as of late. I have no idea what that means...but I've just felt the need to be still, not to worry, breath, trust and let go.  Have faith...it's all going to be okay.

Love,
Jamie

Hannah's Story

I loved this brave birth momma's story...

Hannah's Story from BraveLove on Vimeo.

What I choose to become...

Dear Birth mom, 

I wonder how 2014 was for you...? I'm not going to lie...2014 was a kinda hard year around here. It came roaring in like a beast, and brought us crashing to our knees. My body decided to rebel against me. Half my face suddenly over night was paralyzed with a nasty case of Bell's Palsy. I lost my confidence because of that silly illness...it took half of my smile. I also discovered I had low thyroid and PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome), and that derailed us off our path of growing our family through embryo adoption. I had always been healthy...why all of a sudden was my body going crazy?  So many times I wondered, asking God "WHY"?!?!

Looking back, and thinking where we were at this time last year, I can see what a blessing in disguise those trials I had have been. I'm realizing that those trials helped put us on this path to find our family. We started learning as much as we could about adoption. And we had time to start this here blog. We have absolutely loved writing to you, someday birth mom, and hope our words can be a help and comfort to you someday. 

Good-bye 2014, bring it on 2015! I'm so glad for what I am becoming because of those trials. I'm glad I didn't let all of those perceived setbacks get me down, but instead I let them take me where I needed to be!

Love you! Happy New Year!

Jamie

I hate to see your heartbreak...

1. Dear Birthmom, 

   
   

   We love music around our house. Like a whole lot. Steve and I are always showing each other new bands/songs that we've discovered during the day..."you've got to listen to this!" 

   
   

   Steve showed me a new tune the other day, and it conveyed the feeling of something I've been thinking about for a while now.  I know that someday our greatest joy will cause you your greatest pain...and that breaks my heart. And I've never really wanted to write about this impending hurt...because the thought hurts too much. But I think I found some words to match my feelings on this.  I hate to see your heartbreak...(but) for all the air that's in your lungs, for all the joy that is to come, for all the things that you're alive to feel, just let the pain remind you hearts can HEAL. 

   
   

   The pain will heal, and joy will come. We can experience it, and help each other get through it together! 

   
   
   

2. 

   
   

At the edge...

Dear birthmom, 

I imagine when you're faced with making the choice to either place or parent...I imagine it's not a light one. The weight it must be on your shoulders...we wish we could  help in ANY way carry it for you! 

I know when I've been on the edge of a huge decision, and it's hard to see where it will take me...faith has helped bring peace to my heart, and helped me move forward, leading me to some amazing places.

Just know...we have faith in you...you're going to do amazing things. 

Love you! 

Jamie

The Best Gift Ever

Dear Birthmom, 
I hope that you know someday when you are here...that there is always hope, and there is always grace. I hope that you know that YOU ARE SO LOVED!
I am so grateful for such amazing and courageous women, who do amazing and courageous things to bless the lives of others with so much love!  Love you! Jamie

Picking up the pieces

Dear Birthmom, 

The choice you make to place may tip you over, but know that we'll be there to help pick up the pieces and help make you whole. Your happiness is our happiness. I hope you know just how much of a miracle you are...you'll pick up our broken pieces and make our family whole. 

Love you!

Jamie

Why

Dear Birthmom, 

Do you ever wonder...why me? Why is this happening to ME? This wasn't the plan...at all...

If it were up to me and my "plan",  I would have had bunches of babies by now. But instead I'm 29, with no babies. But there's a reason why we are here. There's a reason why this is our plan instead. There's a reason, and someday all the "WHY'S!?" of life will add up. 

We all have different why's...and I love the perspective this young dad and husband has on his...

"This year has been a year of shakeups. It was rough.  This past spring I was entrusted with being the mid-distance coach at SUU.  It was the moment I was finally able to put the previous 7 years of education to use as a coach.  It's really the moment every aspiring NCAA coach dreams of.  But then, despite having the recruiting and coaching years of my life, I was suddenly cast out of the University just because I was the nephew of the head coach. We were then thrust into a whirlwind of contingency scenarios and endless job applications.  Eventually, my brother-in-law came to the rescue and got me an interview at his company in SLC.  I luckily got it but that meant moving, and even more daunting, learning a profession I had ZERO background in.  The whole idea of a 90 minute commute was foreign to me.  The whole idea of not using any of my formal education was sickening.  The whole idea of going from a job that I was actually pretty good at to one that I was incompetent at, wasn't real fun.  And, more than anything, the idea of not doing what I was passionate about and what I dedicated my life to for the past decade, due to another person's whim, was hard to stomach.  Of course we both figured we just move forward from here and start a new life.  We both accepted it.  But 2014 wasn't done with us yet.  My uncle suddenly died, which left a lot of us thinking, "what could I have done better?"  Then, just a week later....

"There's no easy way to put this but....you have cancer."      

I stared at the doctor and I was emotionless.  I'm not a very emotional guy in the first place so I thought that  maybe this summer's career merry-go-round used it all up.  But this is the point where I want to change the tune of this blog entry.  I know so far it has been a giant sob story but it was meant only to be context for what I want to write about now.

As most people know, I'm a "believer," if you will.  I'm a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.  I'm a Mormon.  I believe in God and everything that goes along with that.  As this story has unfolded I can honestly say that instead of throwing a temper tantrum and shaking my fists toward heaven I could only help but wait and see what He had in store for us.  I, of course, was wondering "why?" after losing my job.  NOTHING made sense about it to me.  I was sitting on my bed early last month writing in my journal and I had to stop and write something to the effect of "I am certain there is something bigger to this job mess, I just don't know what it is yet."  I could genuinely already feel God's hand at work.  I was sure there was some purpose to this, just like there is to everything in our lives and all around us. 

As we were sitting in the doctor's office and received word that the pathology report came back saying the object in my sinus tested positive for cancer, it was like the blinders were torn off.  What made absolutely no sense one minute made complete sense the very next.  We had to be up here.  There's no way they would have figured out I had cancer down in Cedar.  I would have continued trying to treat a sinus infection until it was too late.  I didn't have time for doctor appointments, I was on the road 2-4 days/week.  I also had to be in Salt Lake to have access to the high-level doctors at the Hunstman Cancer Institute.  It all made sense.  But then I had to ask myself....why cancer?

Just last week we were sitting in the office of Elder Nash of the Seventy, one of the leaders of our church.  He was one of the most genuine and kind people I have ever met.  As we spoke with him, he jumped up and grabbed his scriptures.  He narrated a story from the Book of Mormon that Kacee and I were both familiar with but he emphasized a verse that he felt impressed to share with us.  It read: "And I will also ease the burdens which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs...and this will I do that ye may stand as witnesses for me hereafter, and that ye may know of a surety that I, the Lord God, do visit my people in their afflictions."

I am absolutely certain that God is a personal God.  He knows each and every one of us, by name.  He is the great orchestrator of this entire Universe and yet somehow, miraculously, also that of each breath of every single one of our individual lives.  Since the minute I found out I had cancer I have literally never feared for my life.  I don't know what the plan is from here on out, as usual, but I wrote in my journal just a couple days before meeting with Elder Nash that "I'm not sure why death isn't a possibility but there is something more to this.  He has a plan in mind for giving me this one, I guess we'll have to wait to find out what it is..."  

Original blogpost found here

I love that perspective...there is divine orchestration in our lives...we will always be lead to where we need to be.

Love you!

Jamie

The Power of Hope

Dear Birthmom,

Love you! 

Jamie

Stepping Stones

Dear Birthmom,

I feel like I'm just starting to get a grasp on learning how to take this adoption journey a "stepping stone" at a time. Looking too far into the future creates too much anxiety. All the what if's and unknowns stack up into an impassible mountain, blocking my view to our goal...finding our family.

So, how do I take things a stepping stone at a time?

I have a dear friend of mine facing a mountain too. And though our mountains are different (don't we ALL have mountains to face?), the way we climb can be the same...and I wanted to share her sweet, encouraging and uplifting words...

"A few months ago, I purchased a seven day jumbo pill-case. Statistically speaking, I was probably one of the youngest individuals ever to own such a product. It was a proud moment.

And then it was time to fill-‘er-up!  60 some odd pills later and I was ready for the upcoming week. Antidepressants, additional antidepressants, preventative headache medication, and much more. All to get me to a somewhat functional state.   

I would be lying if I said I wasn’t waiting to be healed. Waiting to wake up one morning and just “feel good” mentally and physically. Waiting for an absence of panic attacks and obsessive compulsive behavior, for freedom from headaches and fatigue, and more than anything, for the chemicals in my brain to balance out already! 

Many of the entries written in this very space focus on waiting for something.  It is my testimony that it's in the "waiting" that our Father in heaven has the highest success rate in teaching us about His Son. The lessons that we learn during those dark moments are the ones that truly stick.

“Everything that is unfair about life can be made right through the Atonement of Jesus Christ”.  

-Preach My Gospel

This is my all-time favorite quote (I've been contemplating stitching it on a pillow). And it doubles as a promise! It became a very personal, spiritual gem while I served as a missionary in southern Italy.  I would read it time and time again, and recite it over and over in my mind.  In my opinion, the Italian verb for “made right” more fully expresses what this promise really signifies.  

“made right” (English)-- “sistemato” (Italian)

“Sistemato” means, to get “worked out”, or “figured out”, or to finally be “organized”.

After dozens of doctor’s appointments, counseling sessions, and trips to the local pharmacy,... all in an effort to “figure out” what is wrong, and bring some organization to the disorganization that is my physical body, I am lifted by the hope that all of it will one day be “made right”.  I recently reviewed a talk by Elder Bednar entitled ‘Bear Up Their Burdens With Ease’.  He addresses the importance of assessing our individual "loads" (trials, obligations, afflictions, basically the "heavy stuff" we carry around from day to day).  He prompts us to ask: "Is the load I am carrying creating sufficient spiritual traction so I ultimately can return home to Heavenly Father?”  

Too often, I see my struggles with mental health as impediments to my being able to fully serve the Lord... "I just need to get through this, and then I'll finally be useful to Him again", or "These issues are keeping me from getting things done in His kingdom". Yet, that perspective misses the mark completely. Deep down, (like, really, really deep down, all the way under many of my vital organs...) I trust that there is wisdom in my diagnosis. I know that my God is counting on my correct usage of that load to build His kingdom in ways I never would have been able to without it. I may see my struggles as stumbling blocks, but He sees them as stepping stones. 

(You can find my friend's original post here...)

Deep, DEEP down, I know there's a reason why we're on this path, you and I. And I trust that there is wisdom in that, and in each stepping stone we've taken.  There is His wisdom in the timing, and in the people i've coming to know, and in all the ups and downs. We're going to get to our family one day, and we'll do it one stepping stone at a time. 

Love you!

Jamie

You aren't Lost

Dear Birthmom,

There have been times on this journey that we've felt SO LOST. Despairing darkness swirling all around, threatening to cover the path before us. Which way do we go? Should we try this? Should we try that? Why didn't it work? Have we failed? Will we fail?

Are we doing the right thing...?

As hopeless as that has made us feel...I can tell you this. The Light ALWAYS returns. We've never been completely lost. If I'm down...Steve picks me up. If he's down, I pick him up. We ALWAYS get back up, and move forward. It may just be baby steps...but we always move forward.  It may take a couple of days...it may take a couple of months...or even years, but the hope returns. There is ALWAYS hope. Always.

We love you,

Jamie

Where is the love?

Dear Birthmom, 

This week...I felt tired and weary. Tired of being strong. Weary of suppressing that aching deep down in my bones. Tired of not being able to see the path in front of us. Weary of waiting. 

I think i've realized why the pain has gotten the best of me this week...

I lost my focus. 

My focus should be YOU. And I'll be honest...I was selfishly wrapped up in my pain. This part of the journey isn't about us...it's about YOU!!!! And I let my pain get in the way and discouraged me of remembering that week...and I am so sorry!!!

I feel really strongly that one of the big life lessons we're supposed to get out of this experience is to learn how to love more deeply than we every have before...

When I think about you, and how I can lift you up, cheer you on, make life cheerier for you, and how to love you...this burden we're carrying doesn't seem so heavy. And I need to remember that...that's what life is about! Loving one another, lifting one another up, cheering each other one! 

LOVE you!

Jamie

Impossibilites

Dear Birthmom, 

Sometimes I get discouraged or hurt because sometimes this feels impossible...and sometimes that scares me, because I don't want to fail. 

But I've started to realize though that no matter how this story ends, even if I fail...I am still God's precious child, and He loves me regardless.  He loves me enough to bless me with what's best. Discouragement, hurt, and even failure leads to growth. It’s okay for me to admit that I’m scared, hurt and even that I've failed, because He will help me grow...and that growth will help get me to where I need to be. With Him, nothing is impossible.

And that takes my fear away.

Love, Jamie   

Two Wolves

Dear Birthmom, 

Have you heard of Al Fox Carraway?  I love reading her blog...she is uplifting, positive and inspirational. Who couldn't use more of that in their life! 

Her most recent post really resonated with me...it is so, so, SO good...and I wanted to share a little bit of it with you...

“I have two wolves barking inside of me. The first wolf is filled with anger, hatred, bitterness, and mostly revenge. The second wolf inside of me is filled with love, kindness, compassion, and mostly forgiveness.‘Which wolf do you think will win?’ the young boy inquired. The grandfather responded, ‘Whichever one I feed.’” (—Wayne Dyer) 

I looked in the mirror the other day and do you know what I saw?  A double chin. A double chin that never used to be there, and my arms that look what seems to be twice as wide as what they used to be. And what I didn’t see was my defined cheek bones I used to have or abs that used to be there or my self confidence with my image that I used to have.  Looking in that mirror was a terrible reminder of the 50 lbs I gained and haven’t lost yet.  I looked in the mirror and I just started bawling.  To end the night, I laid in bed and my mind wandered to all the things that didn’t get done that day and was upset because I wasn’t better. 

As women, the top thing we struggle with is comparison. Not even just women, but men too. Why? Why do we do that? Why do we pick ourselves a part? Why do we spend our thoughts and emotion on what we don’t like and wish we could change about ourselves? Or the things we aren’t doing as well as others or aren’t doing at all? Why do we define ourselves by what we can’t do?

Your worth is already established, it is infinite and that does not change. But the problem isn’t that we don’t know our self worth, it is that we have a hard time remembering it with all the outside influences in our lives— social media speaking the loudest. My husband told me once that there is a reason we have two ears; Satan yells in one, and the spirit whispers in the other.

I believe that the secret to have your best life is when we can fully accept who we are and love it.  To fully accept, understand and love that God did not short change or screw up on you.  Our perfect creator created you perfectly, and different.  Being different is a crucial, incredible thing to be! The best thing you could ever be is yourself.  The Lord needs you to be yourself, not someone else. He needs our differences, our talents and our quirks, or how else could His plan work if we were all the same?

Comparing yourself to someone else doesn’t help you be better. Your goals and efforts to being your best self should be based on doing your best, not someone else’s. The only thing we should be comparing ourselves to is our self yesterday.

God does not define you by your faults or shortcomings, but by your heart and potential. But would you rather hear it from me, or the lord? Sometimes I have read over my own thoughts on this as I some days still continue to struggle with it, and I think, “Yeah, I know it, but how can I feel it.”

Heavenly Father weeps when we don't see ourselves the way He sees us. Ask Heavenly Father to see yourself the way He sees you. 

Learn to not be so self critical because you are so beautiful in the eyes of God.

Our bodies don’t define who we are; it’s what inside us that God sees. When life gets me down it's only because I allow it to. Don't allow it any more. Do not feed the adversaries “wolf,” don’t keep it alive any longer. Don’t seek on others’ attention and praise. Be kind to yourself. Be proud of yourself. Because you are good enough. You are pretty enough. You are strong enough. You are worth it. You do deserve the best. You do deserve to be happy always. Do not hold yourself back any longer because great things await you just how you are. Strive everyday to be a little better, to be the bestyou. Believe in yourself and believe in God."

You, YOU are amazing. You are worthwhile. You are incredible.

Love you!

Jamie

Kindness...

Dear Birthmom, 

Kindness...

Isn't it amazing how a single act of kindness can change your whole day around? Heck...maybe even your whole life around!

I am so grateful for the kindness of this world. The kindness of people, family, friends and complete strangers astounds me. I stumbled across what this amazing woman is doing to spread kindness...and I loved it! Life is too short to not be kind. 

Just wanted to spread a little bit of kindness to you...

You are awesome. You are worth while. You are amazing.  Don't you every doubt it! 

Love ya, Jamie

Sometimes you have to just let go and see what happens...

Dear Birthmom, 

Love you!

Jamie 

When you're down to nothing...

Dear Birthmom, 

Love, 

Jamie

The Best Two Years...

Dear Birthmom,

It was two years ago, on a beautiful day in July, this happened...

He took my hand, and I took his, and we promised to be a family forever. We promised to take on the ups and downs of life together. Semper fi...always faithful.

Two years later and he still gives me butterflies. Two years later and he still makes me laugh, he still makes me smile.  Two years later he still makes me feel like the prettiest girl in the world.  Two years later he still lifts me up, and makes me feel strong. I held out for him, I waited a long time...and boy am I glad that I did. This has been the best two years. 

I want you to know...you deserve "the best two years" too (and more)! You deserve someone who gives you butterflies, who makes you laugh, who makes you smile. You deserve someone who tells you that you're the prettiest girl in the world. You deserve someone who lifts you up, and makes you feel strong.

Hold out for that guy...because he IS out there. You deserve him...you deserve the best!

Love you!

Jamie

PS. I'm so grateful for this little family of ours! Here's to year 3! 

The Job

Dear Birthmom, 

This blog has been therapy to me. It's helped me figure out my feelings about adoption, and what I hope we can accomplish. It's a hard, hard, hard thing to work through. But I've learned that I own this story of ours, and I'm excited to see where it takes us. It's going to take us to you! 

We're so excited to meet you someday! I hope you know when we meet...it's not our job to judge you. It's not our job to figure out what you deserve. It's our job is to lift you up, to restore the broken, to heal the hurting, and to love. 

And I have a feeling...you're going to do the same job for our family. 

Love, Jamie