8 years

I was thinking today about how long it took for Steve and I to find each other. 8 years. 8 years of highs and lows. 8 years of dead ends and try agains. 8 years of do I give up, or keep going.

8 years later...we finally found each other. 

But you know what? I would have waited around for him another 100 years if I knew that it was him I was waiting for. He was worth the wait!

Looking back, as hard and painful at times it was,  I wouldn't trade those years for anything...because it's all the sweeter now. I learned about myself, and I grew into a better person because of those 8 years. 

As we're looking for our missing pieces, who knows how long we'll search? 1 year? 8 years? 20 years?  How every long it may be, I do know one thing. It will be worth the wait...

Patchwork

We knew right off the bat that having children would be a tough path to go down. We knew that we were in for an adventure.  I don't think I was quite knew what this would do to my heart though...I read this quote this morning...and it struck me to my core.

"Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body." -E. Stone 

I've realized that my heart is definitely walking outside of my body. Instead of safely tucked inside a cage of bones...it's running, racing, and tumbling FREE.

I think that cage cracked open when we first shared our decision to adopt. That...that was the beginning. Our hearts spilling out, we decided to open up for all to see. It has been an extremely humbling and vulnerable thing to depend on someone else to help us grow our family in this way.

The upsets and disappointments we've come across have chipped away at our hearts each time. And as we've learned the stories of some amazing expectant mothers...we've willingly left a piece of our hearts with each of them.  That is something I didn't quite expect...how much I would feel the holes that were left. Hearts are precious things after all...

But this running, racing and tumbling heart of mine...it's turning out just fine. Those battle-scars have been covered with a patchwork of love. The help, support and encouragement we've received along the way has helped our hearts grow in ways that I could have never imagined possible.

And loving others I've learned...doesn't leave holes in your heart...it just makes your heart bigger.

A little niño...

Steve loves Halloween, and costumes are a requirement in this family. Last year Steve decided it was time to be Nacho Libre for Halloween. After all, it IS our favorite movie to quote to each other...so why the heck not!? Oh man, we went all out. We sat on our little porch, all costumed up, while the Nacho Libre soundtrack blared in the background. It was epic. As I watched Steve pass out candy to "all the little niños"...and it was hilarious. Let me tell you...he's going to be one fun dad! Some niños were slightly freaked out...wondering what this giant man was doing. But most of the niños ate it right up.  

I bring this up because lately in Steve's prayers he's been praying for "a little niño" to come our way...and it melts my heart. People ask us all the time...what kind of baby would you like to adopt? A girl? A boy? African American? Asian? White? Hispanic? Bi-racial? 

We'd love a little niño. We'd love a little 宝宝. We'd love a little yázhí. We'd love a little bambino. 

We would love a little baby...and would love them all the same. A baby is a baby…and we’re excited to have whatever special and beautiful "little niño" that comes our way!

You aren't Lost

Dear Birthmom,

There have been times on this journey that we've felt SO LOST. Despairing darkness swirling all around, threatening to cover the path before us. Which way do we go? Should we try this? Should we try that? Why didn't it work? Have we failed? Will we fail?

Are we doing the right thing...?

As hopeless as that has made us feel...I can tell you this. The Light ALWAYS returns. We've never been completely lost. If I'm down...Steve picks me up. If he's down, I pick him up. We ALWAYS get back up, and move forward. It may just be baby steps...but we always move forward.  It may take a couple of days...it may take a couple of months...or even years, but the hope returns. There is ALWAYS hope. Always.

We love you,

Jamie

Where is the love?

Dear Birthmom, 

This week...I felt tired and weary. Tired of being strong. Weary of suppressing that aching deep down in my bones. Tired of not being able to see the path in front of us. Weary of waiting. 

I think i've realized why the pain has gotten the best of me this week...

I lost my focus. 

My focus should be YOU. And I'll be honest...I was selfishly wrapped up in my pain. This part of the journey isn't about us...it's about YOU!!!! And I let my pain get in the way and discouraged me of remembering that week...and I am so sorry!!!

I feel really strongly that one of the big life lessons we're supposed to get out of this experience is to learn how to love more deeply than we every have before...

When I think about you, and how I can lift you up, cheer you on, make life cheerier for you, and how to love you...this burden we're carrying doesn't seem so heavy. And I need to remember that...that's what life is about! Loving one another, lifting one another up, cheering each other one! 

LOVE you!

Jamie

Steve's key to raising a happy baby...

I BEG Steve to dance for me all the time because quite frankly, it's hilarious. Not hilarious because he's bad...no, no. It's hilarious because the boy has some seriously good moves. I wish I had actual footage of him dancing, because he is AWESOME. Who knew that the 6'8 lanky white guy could get down!? He's got the Dougie and Stanky Leg down to a tee. (Just in case you don't know these classic dances...here's the break down for you...)

Steve sent me this funny little video this morning, and this is what he said "The key to raising a happy baby will be to teach him/her some of my dance moves..." 

Yessssssssssss. 

The Spirit of Adventure...

Steve came home this week telling me about the big plans for his newspaper classes homecoming float...NEWSIES. Being children of the 80's/90's...naturally we thought it would be an awesome idea...who doesn't love the Newsies!? Well...it turns out his newspaper class didn't...they didn't even know what the movie was (come on kids...it's a CLASSIC). They had different plans...and they were going with UP.  Now it was Steve's turn to not be in the know (to my shock and dismay). So our date night last night consisted of watching UP, to get him up to speed.

We both got teary-eyed as we watched that opening scene...because we get it. Even still, the pain of infertility strikes, aching deep down into our bones.

I loved watching the movie this time with that new empathy...because that's what our life is about now.

Adventure.

People tell us all the time..."You don't have any kids! Get out there while you're still free!" We have been lucky enough to go on some grand adventures and we've explored some really incredible places around the world.

But you know what? That's not true adventure in my eyes. Carl realized it. Family is our greatest adventure. LOVE is our greatest adventure. Steve is my adventure buddy through life...and I'm so glad he's by my side on our adoption adventure! Our family is going to be our greatest adventure!