Dreaming

I've been really hesitant to talk about my dreams of our missing piece.  Right now...this whole part of the process I feel strongly that it ISN'T about us. It's about our birthmom...whoever she is, where ever she is. She needs love and support. Our job is to be here to cheer her on!

Sometimes I'm human, I do cave and catch myself dreaming...what if we were having a baby?  I see moms-to-be, with their cute baby bumps, and wonder if I'd look cute with one.  Steve lately has me thinking about nurseries "hey...let's look at cribs!" or "hey, let's explore the baby section at Target" or "hey, let's decorate our spare room for our baby, you know...just in case".  I wonder what it would be like to go to doctor appointments in anticipation for getting to see a little person growing in my belly.

I think mostly I just dream about the day that a sweet little babe will be snuggling in my arms. And that's all that matters to me. The only dream. I don't need a baby bump. I don't need a fancy crib. I don't need to see an ultrasound. All of that would be great...but I don't need it. The path to our baby will be uniquely special...and I'm okay with that.

GIVE

Dear Birthmom,

I think that sometimes people get the notion or have the misconception that adoption means giving up.

But that's just not the case! So much is given!

A birthmother gives her body for nine months. She gives life. She gives a child a family. She give unconditional love. She gives strength. She gives hope. She gives a part of her heart that will never feel whole. She gives another mother a part of her heart that was always missing.

You give a lot Birthmom. Never give up.

Love,
Jamie

I've Been Looking For You...

Back to our regularly scheduled love story...

July 9th, 2011. The DATE. I remember it like yesterday. The summer sun whipping my face as I drove up to Salt Lake in the stifling heat...my little grey car didn't have air conditioning. I remember worrying that I was going to be a melted mess by the time I got there and all that time I spent getting cute was probably for naught (I even remember what I was wearing...shorts, and a billowy blue shirt). I arrived at the designated spot (the parking lot at the building where I worked) a little early...thankfully allowing me some time to run to the bathroom to mop myself up. I remember looking in the mirror and praying "Please, don't let me mess this up...there's something about this boy that I REALLY like!"

Hoping my pounding heart would return to a normal beat, I gathered my courage and returned to the parking lot, only to spot a 6'8 towering frame coming towards me. "Jamie!?" called a familiar voice across the lot. It was HIM. Finally, to be able to put a face with the voice I knew very well by this point. And wow...was he TALL (and very cute)!  I don't remember what he said/what I said...but I do remember he gave me a big hug...and that I needed to stand on my tip toes to receive it. (I asked Steve what he remembers about this moment, he remembers that my hair looked really big...HA!).  

There were only two cars in the lot...his and mine. I almost laughed when I saw his. A tiny blue Toyota Yaris. "How do you fit in this thing!?" was probably my attempt at breaking the ice. 

As we drove to dinner, the car was filled with quietness. I remember him telling me before we met that he was hard to initally break into in-person. Internally I started to slightly panic, hoping that he would be the same in boy I knew from over the phone. "I've been looking for you...and don't you worry, by the end of the night I'm going to break into you Stephen Haslam" I said out loud, and gave him a big smile. I felt the fear melt away, and knew that I was in for a good night...

The Choice

I spent a few days with my sister and her cute family last weekend. I'm not going to lie...she has some of the cutest babies around. They are my favorite little people and I'm pretty lucky to be their Aunt Mimi. We played horsey, went swimming, read storybooks at bed time, and snuggled in the morning. 

One of the days of my visit, my sister and I drove to my grandma's house and spent the whole day with her.  In the morning we went to a women's conference being held in town and got to hear  Stephanie Nielsen speak. If you don't know Stephanie's story...well...it's pretty inspirational. She survived a plane crash, in which she was burned on over 80% of her body. Stephanie spoke of how she came back from such an apparent tragedy in her life...  

"Each night I pray for the strength to be able to accept whatever comes my way. I ask God to bless my heart to help us handle hard times, sickness, pain, frustration, and trials--which are inevitable in this mortal life, but particularly my mortal life. I have faith that God is in charge, and that He knows what is best for me and my family. I am grateful for my trails, they make me stronger and more resilient. Of course I hate the pain I feel, the hurt I experience, but I am the author of my own life and happiness and I choose the brighter way."

I love her attitude! We can choose how we respond to any situation in life. We can be mad. We can curse. We can yell "THIS ISN'T FAIR...why me!?"...OR we can take what life hands us, and choose the light over the darkness. We can choose to have faith, move forward, become stronger, and choose happiness.


I could be really mad/curse/yell "THIS ISN'T FAIR...why me!?" at this trial, and that I don't have my own little people to play horsey/swim/read storybooks with at bed time/snuggle in the morning. Or I could choose happiness. I choose the happiness route! Right now, I get the chance to be an awesome aunt...and practice for the time when I get to be a mom! 

Maybe you're reading this birth mom? Maybe you're going through a hard time? Remember...you can choose! You can choose happiness!

Repave

 It’s days like these, when I am grateful for the ambiguous language making up Justin Vernon’s lyrics. Some of my favorite moments with Jamie include her singing his songs with me and making up the words we know don’t belong on the lines. If you get the chance, you should check out the SNL skit where Justin Timberlake impersonates him as Bon Iver. You’ll get the gist.

His most recent project, Volcano Choir has been perhaps the most addictive thing that Jamie and I have listened to in a while. I was so happy when the vinyl finally came in the mail. We’ll let his vocals scratch and dip over the lovely instrumentals; let his words bounce around the walls of our home like impatient oxygen begging to be taken in. Every album we’ve heard of his has been crazy addictive.

The song “Comrade,” with its very catchy tune and lyrics, had me thinking about what has been the hardest part of all of this.

“Like I didn’t know it

Choking on the pulp of it

Semper Fi

You kept me on your long line

Tugging in the whole time…”

The ambiguousness allows me, thankfully, to get whatever I want from it. It could be about him and a girl just dragging him along. I chose to relate it to what has been the hardest part of this for me: being seemingly dragged along by birth parents who will likely never choose us. It’s tragic really, the hope they instill in us.

The album “Repave” has had me thinking a lot… Not just because of the music, but from the image on the cover…waves.

I feel like we’ve been stuck in some very treacherous waves. Waves meant to sink us and have us breaking out for air over and over. And as much as I hate it, and as dark and treacherous as the waves may be, they’re also…beautiful. There’s nothing beautiful about the ways that we struggle. But in the mysteriousness of all of this, I feel like something extraordinary is coming. That fact makes the waves beautiful. They can bounce and crash as hard as they would like. I know it will be worth it.

The Call

Now back to our regularly scheduled story...

I really wish that I would had saved the messages that we sent back and forth when were finally put into contact with each other (awww, thanks eHarmony's customer service!)...it would be fun to look back at them. (And I'm sure there was a message or two in there trying to figure out how customer service had become invovled).  Those first few days of getting to know Steve...there was something between us, it just clicked.

While messaging was fun, things were progressing and I knew the next step was to talk on the phone.  But here's the thing...I HATE talking on the phone! BAAA! It's just not my cup of tea. I get anxiety about it. My palms are sweaty just thinking about it. So when Steve asked for my number...I freaked out a little. I didn't want to ruin the good momentum we had going! It was so easy hiding behind the safety of my computer screen, having all the time I needed to compose witty and cute messages. What if I wasn't so witty and cute on the spot!? But with the way things were going I knew we probably should talk sometime, so I hesitantly agreed. I was so afraid though! What if I screwed things up again!?

As my phone rang, I remember saying a little prayer...(probably something to the effect of "Heavenly Father, please help me not to be a dork").  I remember glancing down at the list of questions/prompts I had written down just in case my mind were to go blank (yes, I actually wrote down a list). And finally, I remember doing a little pump-up dance to courage-up, and then I finally answered my phone. "Hello?" 

And that was the start of history folks. That first phone call was my first indication that something was really special about Steve. He got me to open up, and we talked for hours. It just flowed. It was natural. It was easy. It was magical. That was the best phone call of my life. 

Healing

I'll take a break from our story to talk a little bit about something that's been on my mind. Healing. 

Infertility is a hard thing to face. A really hard thing. Our broken bodies can't create the one thing we crave most. A baby. There are difficult days on this journey, but moving forward on a healing path, instead of and angry and bitter one has been the best way to accept what we're up against. Just because our bodies are broken, doesn't mean our sprits are! 

I follow a blog by a woman who is also facing infertility. Mara has such an incredible outlook on life! I've had the same questions, doubts and fears that she's had. I LOVE her approach and attitude towards facing this trial. Yesterday she shared her thoughts on healing. She says it so much better than I ever can...so I'll share her words...

If my body can't create a baby, how can I still be a mother? What I do to heal from this?

"I think of my truest identity. Instead of feeling conflicted with the "motherhood identity" that I "should" have, or that everybody else has, or that I can't have...I cling to a more important identity which is that of being a Woman of God or a woman full of light and love. That identity I can have. (We can all have that!) Living THAT identity does not require a baby. It does not require a husband, either. And I remind myself that if I couldn't pursue THAT identity first and foremost, I wouldn't be the kind of mother or wife I would want to be, anyway. 

Even though things haven't turned out the way I had hoped, I try to focus my thoughts on gratitude for the entire experience of infertility - as it has changed me. I am a different woman because of it and I would never, ever, ever want to go back! It has taught me everything good that I know. It has made me who I am. Reminding myself of this and focusing on gratitude helps the anger to dissolve.
Instead of being sad that my life won't look like everyone else's, I remind myself that I can still contribute in life. I'll try my best to do my part, just like I know everyone else is doing, too.  

I don't want to be isolated or feel on the outside and I know it would be 100% self-inflicted if I chose to feel that way (because seriously, my friends and their beautiful children are some of the best people ever.) And so, when I show up to church or friend gatherings, I just try to reach out to people with love (as they do the same for me.) I wish I could be even better, but I'm glad I've had so many opportunities to practice this as it has resulted in the best connections ever with so many people whom I love so, so dearly. My heart aches thinking of how much I would have missed out on if I chose not participate, or chose to shy away from other mothers, or to sulk and feel far away, thinking that I didn't belong. In reality, I think we ALL can relate to each other and support each other in so many ways, even in our very diverse circumstances. Doesn't matter if we are married, divorced, single, lesbian, infertile, mother of 6, childless, etc...we are ALL in this together. If only there was more time in each day to connect with more people." 

You can find her original post here!