November 20, 2014
True Love
True love...seeing your sweet husband so graciously let go of something he wants more than anything in the world, and in spite of his broken heart, he reaches out in love. He has the biggest of hearts and kindest of souls...oh how I love that boy!
November 17, 2014
Why
Dear Birthmom,
Do you ever wonder...why me? Why is this happening to ME? This wasn't the plan...at all...
If it were up to me and my "plan", I would have had bunches of babies by now. But instead I'm 29, with no babies. But there's a reason why we are here. There's a reason why this is our plan instead. There's a reason, and someday all the "WHY'S!?" of life will add up.
We all have different why's...and I love the perspective this young dad and husband has on his...
"This year has been a year of shakeups. It was rough. This past spring I was entrusted with being the mid-distance coach at SUU. It was the moment I was finally able to put the previous 7 years of education to use as a coach. It's really the moment every aspiring NCAA coach dreams of. But then, despite having the recruiting and coaching years of my life, I was suddenly cast out of the University just because I was the nephew of the head coach. We were then thrust into a whirlwind of contingency scenarios and endless job applications. Eventually, my brother-in-law came to the rescue and got me an interview at his company in SLC. I luckily got it but that meant moving, and even more daunting, learning a profession I had ZERO background in. The whole idea of a 90 minute commute was foreign to me. The whole idea of not using any of my formal education was sickening. The whole idea of going from a job that I was actually pretty good at to one that I was incompetent at, wasn't real fun. And, more than anything, the idea of not doing what I was passionate about and what I dedicated my life to for the past decade, due to another person's whim, was hard to stomach. Of course we both figured we just move forward from here and start a new life. We both accepted it. But 2014 wasn't done with us yet. My uncle suddenly died, which left a lot of us thinking, "what could I have done better?" Then, just a week later....
"There's no easy way to put this but....you have cancer."
I stared at the doctor and I was emotionless. I'm not a very emotional guy in the first place so I thought that maybe this summer's career merry-go-round used it all up. But this is the point where I want to change the tune of this blog entry. I know so far it has been a giant sob story but it was meant only to be context for what I want to write about now.
As most people know, I'm a "believer," if you will. I'm a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I'm a Mormon. I believe in God and everything that goes along with that. As this story has unfolded I can honestly say that instead of throwing a temper tantrum and shaking my fists toward heaven I could only help but wait and see what He had in store for us. I, of course, was wondering "why?" after losing my job. NOTHING made sense about it to me. I was sitting on my bed early last month writing in my journal and I had to stop and write something to the effect of "I am certain there is something bigger to this job mess, I just don't know what it is yet." I could genuinely already feel God's hand at work. I was sure there was some purpose to this, just like there is to everything in our lives and all around us.
As we were sitting in the doctor's office and received word that the pathology report came back saying the object in my sinus tested positive for cancer, it was like the blinders were torn off. What made absolutely no sense one minute made complete sense the very next. We had to be up here. There's no way they would have figured out I had cancer down in Cedar. I would have continued trying to treat a sinus infection until it was too late. I didn't have time for doctor appointments, I was on the road 2-4 days/week. I also had to be in Salt Lake to have access to the high-level doctors at the Hunstman Cancer Institute. It all made sense. But then I had to ask myself....why cancer?
Just last week we were sitting in the office of Elder Nash of the Seventy, one of the leaders of our church. He was one of the most genuine and kind people I have ever met. As we spoke with him, he jumped up and grabbed his scriptures. He narrated a story from the Book of Mormon that Kacee and I were both familiar with but he emphasized a verse that he felt impressed to share with us. It read: "And I will also ease the burdens which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs...and this will I do that ye may stand as witnesses for me hereafter, and that ye may know of a surety that I, the Lord God, do visit my people in their afflictions."
I am absolutely certain that God is a personal God. He knows each and every one of us, by name. He is the great orchestrator of this entire Universe and yet somehow, miraculously, also that of each breath of every single one of our individual lives. Since the minute I found out I had cancer I have literally never feared for my life. I don't know what the plan is from here on out, as usual, but I wrote in my journal just a couple days before meeting with Elder Nash that "I'm not sure why death isn't a possibility but there is something more to this. He has a plan in mind for giving me this one, I guess we'll have to wait to find out what it is..."
Original blogpost found here
I love that perspective...there is divine orchestration in our lives...we will always be lead to where we need to be.
Love you!
Jamie
Do you ever wonder...why me? Why is this happening to ME? This wasn't the plan...at all...
If it were up to me and my "plan", I would have had bunches of babies by now. But instead I'm 29, with no babies. But there's a reason why we are here. There's a reason why this is our plan instead. There's a reason, and someday all the "WHY'S!?" of life will add up.
We all have different why's...and I love the perspective this young dad and husband has on his...
"This year has been a year of shakeups. It was rough. This past spring I was entrusted with being the mid-distance coach at SUU. It was the moment I was finally able to put the previous 7 years of education to use as a coach. It's really the moment every aspiring NCAA coach dreams of. But then, despite having the recruiting and coaching years of my life, I was suddenly cast out of the University just because I was the nephew of the head coach. We were then thrust into a whirlwind of contingency scenarios and endless job applications. Eventually, my brother-in-law came to the rescue and got me an interview at his company in SLC. I luckily got it but that meant moving, and even more daunting, learning a profession I had ZERO background in. The whole idea of a 90 minute commute was foreign to me. The whole idea of not using any of my formal education was sickening. The whole idea of going from a job that I was actually pretty good at to one that I was incompetent at, wasn't real fun. And, more than anything, the idea of not doing what I was passionate about and what I dedicated my life to for the past decade, due to another person's whim, was hard to stomach. Of course we both figured we just move forward from here and start a new life. We both accepted it. But 2014 wasn't done with us yet. My uncle suddenly died, which left a lot of us thinking, "what could I have done better?" Then, just a week later....
"There's no easy way to put this but....you have cancer."
I stared at the doctor and I was emotionless. I'm not a very emotional guy in the first place so I thought that maybe this summer's career merry-go-round used it all up. But this is the point where I want to change the tune of this blog entry. I know so far it has been a giant sob story but it was meant only to be context for what I want to write about now.
As most people know, I'm a "believer," if you will. I'm a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I'm a Mormon. I believe in God and everything that goes along with that. As this story has unfolded I can honestly say that instead of throwing a temper tantrum and shaking my fists toward heaven I could only help but wait and see what He had in store for us. I, of course, was wondering "why?" after losing my job. NOTHING made sense about it to me. I was sitting on my bed early last month writing in my journal and I had to stop and write something to the effect of "I am certain there is something bigger to this job mess, I just don't know what it is yet." I could genuinely already feel God's hand at work. I was sure there was some purpose to this, just like there is to everything in our lives and all around us.
As we were sitting in the doctor's office and received word that the pathology report came back saying the object in my sinus tested positive for cancer, it was like the blinders were torn off. What made absolutely no sense one minute made complete sense the very next. We had to be up here. There's no way they would have figured out I had cancer down in Cedar. I would have continued trying to treat a sinus infection until it was too late. I didn't have time for doctor appointments, I was on the road 2-4 days/week. I also had to be in Salt Lake to have access to the high-level doctors at the Hunstman Cancer Institute. It all made sense. But then I had to ask myself....why cancer?
Just last week we were sitting in the office of Elder Nash of the Seventy, one of the leaders of our church. He was one of the most genuine and kind people I have ever met. As we spoke with him, he jumped up and grabbed his scriptures. He narrated a story from the Book of Mormon that Kacee and I were both familiar with but he emphasized a verse that he felt impressed to share with us. It read: "And I will also ease the burdens which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs...and this will I do that ye may stand as witnesses for me hereafter, and that ye may know of a surety that I, the Lord God, do visit my people in their afflictions."
I am absolutely certain that God is a personal God. He knows each and every one of us, by name. He is the great orchestrator of this entire Universe and yet somehow, miraculously, also that of each breath of every single one of our individual lives. Since the minute I found out I had cancer I have literally never feared for my life. I don't know what the plan is from here on out, as usual, but I wrote in my journal just a couple days before meeting with Elder Nash that "I'm not sure why death isn't a possibility but there is something more to this. He has a plan in mind for giving me this one, I guess we'll have to wait to find out what it is..."
Original blogpost found here
I love that perspective...there is divine orchestration in our lives...we will always be lead to where we need to be.
Love you!
Jamie
November 15, 2014
Cold
I thought I'd start writing about little snapshots of our life. I feel like our everyday-here-and-now life story IS a story worth telling to you too. This is us! I get so caught up in looking so far ahead, waiting to see that day when our little babe is here in our home...that I forget that the here-and-now of our life is pretty beautiful too.
Today, it snowed...and the coldness seeped it's icy fingers into our little home. Frosty lace raced up the window panes, while the furnace furiously whooshed warm air in response to it's threatening advances. We fought off the sting of the harsh seasonal slap by spending the day hunkered down in hibernation mode. Piling on layers of sweats, drinking steaming mint hot cocco, crafting away (me), writting away (him), and snuggling up together under a mountain of blankets. All in all, it's been a pretty dang good day...coldness and all.
Today, it snowed...and the coldness seeped it's icy fingers into our little home. Frosty lace raced up the window panes, while the furnace furiously whooshed warm air in response to it's threatening advances. We fought off the sting of the harsh seasonal slap by spending the day hunkered down in hibernation mode. Piling on layers of sweats, drinking steaming mint hot cocco, crafting away (me), writting away (him), and snuggling up together under a mountain of blankets. All in all, it's been a pretty dang good day...coldness and all.
November 13, 2014
The Drive
So many thoughts and feelings buzzing around us this week...it's been really hard to process and work through. Facing hard things in life is kind of like being on a road trip with two passengers...faith and fear. You're going to need help driving on this road trip...which one would you rather have help drive?
Our sweet friend who is facing hard things too blogged this quote today, and I loved it!
"Don't let your heart become hard. Tough times can test us and sometimes make us question God and His ways. Always reach out and strive to become closer to Him. He does hear you, He does care, and He does answer your prayers. Be open to receiving His answer as it may come in a form you least expect"
Fear is kind of a scary driver...so we're going to let faith take the wheel.
November 10, 2014
November 8, 2014
Creating Family
I love this site (BraveLove), and the awareness they are spreading about the awesomeness of adoption! They always have really touching and inspiring stories about adoption. I've loved reading their most recent story..."The Creating Family Series"...it's a 4-part story shared through the eyes of a birth mother, the daughter she raised, the daughter she placed, and the woman she chose to raise her daughter. No matter what, LOVE makes a family!
November 1, 2014
Stepping Stones
Dear Birthmom,
I feel like I'm just starting to get a grasp on learning how to take this adoption journey a "stepping stone" at a time. Looking too far into the future creates too much anxiety. All the what if's and unknowns stack up into an impassible mountain, blocking my view to our goal...finding our family.
So, how do I take things a stepping stone at a time?
I have a dear friend of mine facing a mountain too. And though our mountains are different (don't we ALL have mountains to face?), the way we climb can be the same...and I wanted to share her sweet, encouraging and uplifting words...
"A few months ago, I purchased a seven day jumbo pill-case. Statistically speaking, I was probably one of the youngest individuals ever to own such a product. It was a proud moment.
And then it was time to fill-‘er-up! 60 some odd pills later and I was ready for the upcoming week. Antidepressants, additional antidepressants, preventative headache medication, and much more. All to get me to a somewhat functional state.
I would be lying if I said I wasn’t waiting to be healed. Waiting to wake up one morning and just “feel good” mentally and physically. Waiting for an absence of panic attacks and obsessive compulsive behavior, for freedom from headaches and fatigue, and more than anything, for the chemicals in my brain to balance out already!
Many of the entries written in this very space focus on waiting for something. It is my testimony that it's in the "waiting" that our Father in heaven has the highest success rate in teaching us about His Son. The lessons that we learn during those dark moments are the ones that truly stick.
This is my all-time favorite quote (I've been contemplating stitching it on a pillow). And it doubles as a promise! It became a very personal, spiritual gem while I served as a missionary in southern Italy. I would read it time and time again, and recite it over and over in my mind. In my opinion, the Italian verb for “made right” more fully expresses what this promise really signifies.
“made right” (English)-- “sistemato” (Italian)
“Sistemato” means, to get “worked out”, or “figured out”, or to finally be “organized”.
After dozens of doctor’s appointments, counseling sessions, and trips to the local pharmacy,... all in an effort to “figure out” what is wrong, and bring some organization to the disorganization that is my physical body, I am lifted by the hope that all of it will one day be “made right”. I recently reviewed a talk by Elder Bednar entitled ‘Bear Up Their Burdens With Ease’. He addresses the importance of assessing our individual "loads" (trials, obligations, afflictions, basically the "heavy stuff" we carry around from day to day). He prompts us to ask: "Is the load I am carrying creating sufficient spiritual traction so I ultimately can return home to Heavenly Father?”
Too often, I see my struggles with mental health as impediments to my being able to fully serve the Lord... "I just need to get through this, and then I'll finally be useful to Him again", or "These issues are keeping me from getting things done in His kingdom". Yet, that perspective misses the mark completely. Deep down, (like, really, really deep down, all the way under many of my vital organs...) I trust that there is wisdom in my diagnosis. I know that my God is counting on my correct usage of that load to build His kingdom in ways I never would have been able to without it. I may see my struggles as stumbling blocks, but He sees them as stepping stones.
(You can find my friend's original post here...)
Deep, DEEP down, I know there's a reason why we're on this path, you and I. And I trust that there is wisdom in that, and in each stepping stone we've taken. There is His wisdom in the timing, and in the people i've coming to know, and in all the ups and downs. We're going to get to our family one day, and we'll do it one stepping stone at a time.
Love you!
Jamie
I feel like I'm just starting to get a grasp on learning how to take this adoption journey a "stepping stone" at a time. Looking too far into the future creates too much anxiety. All the what if's and unknowns stack up into an impassible mountain, blocking my view to our goal...finding our family.
So, how do I take things a stepping stone at a time?
I have a dear friend of mine facing a mountain too. And though our mountains are different (don't we ALL have mountains to face?), the way we climb can be the same...and I wanted to share her sweet, encouraging and uplifting words...
"A few months ago, I purchased a seven day jumbo pill-case. Statistically speaking, I was probably one of the youngest individuals ever to own such a product. It was a proud moment.
And then it was time to fill-‘er-up! 60 some odd pills later and I was ready for the upcoming week. Antidepressants, additional antidepressants, preventative headache medication, and much more. All to get me to a somewhat functional state.
I would be lying if I said I wasn’t waiting to be healed. Waiting to wake up one morning and just “feel good” mentally and physically. Waiting for an absence of panic attacks and obsessive compulsive behavior, for freedom from headaches and fatigue, and more than anything, for the chemicals in my brain to balance out already!
Many of the entries written in this very space focus on waiting for something. It is my testimony that it's in the "waiting" that our Father in heaven has the highest success rate in teaching us about His Son. The lessons that we learn during those dark moments are the ones that truly stick.
“Everything that is unfair about life can be made right through the Atonement of Jesus Christ”.
-Preach My Gospel
This is my all-time favorite quote (I've been contemplating stitching it on a pillow). And it doubles as a promise! It became a very personal, spiritual gem while I served as a missionary in southern Italy. I would read it time and time again, and recite it over and over in my mind. In my opinion, the Italian verb for “made right” more fully expresses what this promise really signifies.
“made right” (English)-- “sistemato” (Italian)
“Sistemato” means, to get “worked out”, or “figured out”, or to finally be “organized”.
After dozens of doctor’s appointments, counseling sessions, and trips to the local pharmacy,... all in an effort to “figure out” what is wrong, and bring some organization to the disorganization that is my physical body, I am lifted by the hope that all of it will one day be “made right”. I recently reviewed a talk by Elder Bednar entitled ‘Bear Up Their Burdens With Ease’. He addresses the importance of assessing our individual "loads" (trials, obligations, afflictions, basically the "heavy stuff" we carry around from day to day). He prompts us to ask: "Is the load I am carrying creating sufficient spiritual traction so I ultimately can return home to Heavenly Father?”
Too often, I see my struggles with mental health as impediments to my being able to fully serve the Lord... "I just need to get through this, and then I'll finally be useful to Him again", or "These issues are keeping me from getting things done in His kingdom". Yet, that perspective misses the mark completely. Deep down, (like, really, really deep down, all the way under many of my vital organs...) I trust that there is wisdom in my diagnosis. I know that my God is counting on my correct usage of that load to build His kingdom in ways I never would have been able to without it. I may see my struggles as stumbling blocks, but He sees them as stepping stones.
(You can find my friend's original post here...)
Deep, DEEP down, I know there's a reason why we're on this path, you and I. And I trust that there is wisdom in that, and in each stepping stone we've taken. There is His wisdom in the timing, and in the people i've coming to know, and in all the ups and downs. We're going to get to our family one day, and we'll do it one stepping stone at a time.
Love you!
Jamie
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