I'm not here to be perfect...

Dear Birthmom, 

If I could talk to you today...this is what I'd say...

I don't know about you, but somedays I struggle with not feeling good enough. And honestly...most of the time...it's over really silly things. Doubts creep in...am I good-enough-smart-enough-kind-enough-helpful-enough-pretty-enough? Am I enough? Yes. Yes I am. I have to remember...I'm not here to be perfect. I'm here to learn and to grow. And so are you. You are good enough! You are amazing! You are incredible! Just because you're not perfect doesn't mean you're not worth it. You are. Just remember that!

Love, 

Jamie

Making Room...

Dear Baby,

Your dad and I...we may have gotten a little excited at a yard sale today.

We don't know when you're coming...BUT when you do come...your little room now has your very own little crib. (This room has been empty for a while. It's were we slept during our very first night in this house. And we used it as a second kitchen when we were remodeling. But now our friends kids refer to it as the "fancy dance room" because it's apparently a pretty rad room to have a dance party in.)   Aaaaaand...we scored a sweet car seat and stroller. You know...just in case.

Love,

Your someday momma

Emptiness and broken parts

I was talking with one of my wonderful new co-workers today, and we were talking about the ups and downs of adoption. I told her that I try and stay as positive as I can...but I have the occasional down days. She smiled at me and said wisely that I wouldn't be human if I didn't...and that she'd be worried if I didn't. I think she's so right. I think that being sad and allowing ourselves to feel those feelings is part of the healing process. 

So, that being said...I was sad this week.

The room was warm, cozy and dimly lit. Almost spa-like...but without that cheesy new age'y music they play to lull you into a realm of relaxation. I wonder if they made the room that way on purpose...to calm patients jittery nerves. Because going to the doctor I've found, is nothing like a spa experience. 

I struggled to make a picture out of the black and white noise on the screen as the very nice ultrasound technician pushed and prodded on my belly. I nervously joked with her..."I'm sure glad you can see something in all that fuzziness...because I sure can't!" 

"Oh don't you worry...if you'd done my job enough...you'd know what to look for too!" Was her reply. 

And then the sadness swept over me for the first time.  

They found what they were looking for in there. And it wasn't the thing I've been longing for. There's nothing but emptiness and broken parts in there. 

What if you fly?

Dear Birthmom,

Some thoughts lately...

Love, Jamie

Questions...

We're just a few months into this adoption journey, and what a ride it's been! Wooooooo! As we've shared our story more and more, we've gotten lots of questions! So I thought I'd take a chance to answer some...

Why are you wanting to adopt? 

While we love our little family of two, we've decided that having some little babies around would complete our family. We're unable to have children on our own, so adoption is how we'd like to grow our family! 

Is infertility hard/does it make you sad?

Sometimes it is and sometimes it does. But it's not something we can change...so why let it get us down? I've had overwhelming peace through our infertility thankfully...and I'm very grateful for that. Our family is going to grow in a special way. We're going to have the chance to meet some really special people who are going to help us with this...and that is incredible to me. 

Have you thought about foster care? Or what about fertility treatments?  

We have! One of the difficult things when dealing with infertility is not knowing which path to go down to find your family! Infertility treatments? Adoption? Foster care? We've kind of bounced between all three options...but right now we feel strongly about adoption, and right now it's the path we'll pursue.  

How does adoption work? 

You can pursue adoption through an agency OR you can pursue a private adoption. Agencies can be very expensive, but you have an extensive network to help in your search, which can reduce your waiting for a placement. Private adoption is much less expensive than going through an agency, but your network is what you make it, and you might have to wait a long time for a placement.  There are lots of legalities with both paths of adoption. 

We're are currently pursuing a private adoption OR an agency adoption (we're approved to adopt through LDS Family Services). We are looking for anyone who is looking for an adoptive family to place with. We're working hard to create a network and spread the word. So anyone who shares our blog or passes our story along we are so grateful to! We're looking looking for our family, and we need help finding them!  

Would you like to have an open adoption?

YES!!! We admire birth moms and birth dads and their courage, compassion and love, and we'd love to have someone like that be a part of our family.

Momma's

I wrote my feelings about mothering hearts a few months ago. How grateful I am for all the mothering hearts in my life! My mom. My sisters. My mother-in-law, and sister-in-laws. My aunts. My cousins. My friends. My future children's birthmother's.

"Some might say that I'm too sensitive, but I think the truth is that I just feel too much. Every word, every action, every energy goes straight to my heart, and I feel it. And my feelings this morning matched the moodiness of the sky: dull, grey, and weepy. A crack in my brave face revealed that thinking about the missing pieces of our family makes my heart ache.

As I sat in church, I was hyperaware of all the babies around me. Not just the babies though...but the way the babies clung to their mothers. The smallest of babies were content to be rocked and held through the service. The older babies though, bravely toddled through the mazes of isles. They couldn't be tempted to stop and snuggle anyone. No, that was something for which they hurried back to mother for.  For you see...Mothers, they are pretty special people.  

My heart ached for a baby to mother. To let me snuggle them, to hug them, to rock them safely to sleep.  To share a smile. To wipe away a tear. To help them color a picture, to give them a snack. To hold them on my lap, and sing a soft song in their ear.  To take their tiny hand, and guide them to where they want to go. 

As the meeting ended...mothers surrounded me.  One mother took my face in her hands and reassured me that all would be well. One mother said she had knit me a pair of socks to keep me warm. One mother shared a smile with me, and gave me a hug. One mother simply sat with me, and was my friend. They loved me with a mothering heart. 

And then I realized. I can have a mothering heart too, even though I'm not a mother yet. I can comfort those around me.  I can put others needs before mine. I can love those around me. And feeling that made the sun come out again."

Parts republished from a Feb. 9th post. 

#placed

#placed

Beautiful Connections

Last week was a week of decisions for our family. Hard ones...because we had to choose what job I was going to take in a day! I was so terrified of making the wrong decision! I was talking with a dear friend, telling her I was afraid of making the wrong choice, and she wisely told me...

"You KNOW what is right...you know it inside! Just quietly listen, and you'll know what to do. Things happen for a reason. Seemingly difficult times in our lives lead us to where we need to be. We may not understand now why things have happened they way they have, but looking back we'll realize...AH HA! That's why that happened!"

Our journey to find our baby, our family...all the ups and downs we're going through, they're all for a reason.  They are all beautiful connections, leading us to where we need to be.

I loved this story on Brave Love about one birth mom's view on beautiful connections...

Big News...

I LOVE science...especially earth science. It fascinates me! When I was a little girl, I had a weather station in our back yard, and a had a rock stand (instead of a lemonade stand). So nerdy...I know, I know.

Because of this nerdiness I graduated with my degree in geology from BYU. I planned on being a rockin geologist, and for the past 6 years, I did just that.  I've had the chance to work on earthquake projects, geothermal projects, mining projects, oil and gas projects. I've loved the opportunities I've had to learn and grow in this field!

The past few months though...I've been looking for a new job...and last week was a whirlwind. I had two jobs to choose between! One was a teaching job where I could use my science background. The other job was something COMPLETELY different, in a completely different field of work. A field where I have NO experience.  I would be working in a completely new environment, doing something completely new. After spending an agonizing day going back and forth, back and forth...I finally got my answer, and I knew the path I needed to go down. I took the job that was I outside of my field.

I won't lie...I was nervous I made the wrong choice. I wouldn't be using my degree at all! I worked so hard for that degree...and it was (and is) something I've been really passionate about.

I started today at this new job, and I knew immediately that I was in the right place. I am supposed to be there.

What's this crazy new job where I WON'T be a geologist anymore? Well...let me tell you...

I now will be working at LDS Family Services...in ADOPTIONS!!! I don't know how my geologist resume landed me this job...but I know it's meant to be! I'm so, so, so excited to have the chance to work with and help expectant birth moms, and hopeful adoptive couples! As we've started down the adoption path ourselves...I've felt my heart strings being tugged...I want to help  anyone with adoption in anyway I can...

...and now I'm getting a chance to do just that! I'm SO excited!

I Hope...

Dear Baby, 

I know you won't have my eyes. I know you won't have daddy's smile. You won't be a miniature version of us. You didn't grow in my belly. But that doesn't mean you aren't ours.  As you'll grow in your birth mom's belly, you'll grow in our hearts just the same. 

Hopefully you'll get your daddy's sense of humor, and quick wit. And I really hope that you get his big, big heart (he's a softy you know). I hope you get my outlook on life...anything is possible! I hope you'll get my laugh. I hope you'll get our passion for creativity, for learning, for seeing life as an adventure. I hope you'll love music. I hope you'll love reading and writing. I hope you're full of love. 

I'm glad you'll look like your birth mom and birth dad. It will remind me daily that you are a miracle. You're going to have such an incredible family...a dad and a mom, and a birth family too! So much love around you. I can't wait for you to get here and to be a part of this! 

Love, 

Your someday momma