Miracle

That hollowness after my hysterectomy haunted me...the gutting question "What if our chance for a miracle is gone?"

You know what I've realized? How could I ever forget? How!?  Being sick...that was the miracle. Being sick, that lead us to her. From sunup to sundown...she is our miracle. Every single day. Maybe someday we'll be lucky enough to encounter another such miracle...I look at her face and she fills that hollowness of mine full of hope.

Question Marks

“Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books that are now written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer.” ― Rainer Maria Rilke

The question everyone asks after is, “How are you doing!?”

My broken heart beats back “I’m-so sad-so sad-so tired-so tired”, but I swallow those broken beats, and grab for my halfhearted “Oh-I’m-ok-thanks-for-asking” masked reply and put that on instead.

It’s just easier.

I had an answer. I had a name for my pain. After years of trying everything to tame the angsty question marks rattling around in my head, I finally got to belong to a club. I found comfort and comradery, I had fellow sisters soldiering on against this pain too.

Then…I got kicked out of the club.

Pathology. Benign. Not malignant. Not harmful in effect.  

The only way to confirm diagnosis of Adenomyosis is by biopsy AFTER a hysterectomy. It’s the only way. I never thought it wouldn’t be there. I had so many of the symptoms. I was confident in my doctor. He was the one to finally give me answers after all these years of question mark pain.

It wasn’t there. Nothing was there.   

I have no path to the pain. I will never have an answer to that question. The welcome back party to the invisible illness club was cold. It’s lonely and empty here. Your companions are more question marks punctuated with anger, guilt, shame and deep aching sadness.

My physical pain is gone. So, look at the bright side, right? What about the dark side…will it come back? And that tiny spark of “what…if…a…miracle…could…happen?” is…extinguished, and I’ve felt that profoundly. All that’s there now is a cavernous hole, with all those question marks still rattling around hollowly.

The End

"It's important that we share our experiences with other people. Your story will heal you and your story will heal somebody else. When you tell your story, you free yourself and give other people permission to acknowledge their own story."  -Iyanla Vanzant

“Wow, so you’ve gained some serious weight since your last physical. Are you just sitting at your desk all day? You need to get you moving!” the physical therapist at my annual work physical blurted out. As if I wasn’t already super conscious about my rapidly changing body…his blunt comments sealed the deal.

“Well, I just got married…maybe it’s the “freshman 15” x 2?” I tried to joke back to lighten the mood, so I wouldn’t start crying.

In all honesty, I had no idea what was going on with my body. I was exhausted, no matter how much sleep I got the night before. I was achy down to my bones and moved like a brittle old woman. I loved to run, but I just simply couldn’t get my body to move that way anymore. I felt stressed all the time. I was gaining weight fast, my body inflamed and swelling up like I was stung by a giant bumblebee. I was pretty sure I was becoming the new poster child for the bearded woman…every woman should rock a 5 o’clock shadow, right?! I hadn’t had a period in 6 months. As much as I wished I were miraculously pregnant…I was left empty and barren month after month.

Doctor, doctor, doctor. Test, test, test. Please, please, please…will someone help figure out what’s wrong with me?

“Well…you’ve got Hypothyroidism. You’re so tired and gaining weight. Here’s a pill to help that.”

“Well…you’ve got a nasty case of Bell’s Palsy. You’re stressed and have so much inflammation, you’ll have permeant facial paralysis. There’s no pill to help that”

“Well…you’ve got Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. You’re an achy ballooning, barren bearded woman. Here’s a pill to help that.”

7 different doctors. 3 different diagnoses. 5 years. 100’s of pills. 1 body…continuing to fail. 

“Well, well, well…you’ve got Adenomyosis. You’re crampy, clotting, bloated, nauseous, anemic, and hormonally imbalance.  Your hair is falling out in clumps. You’ve gained 70 lbs. You’re depressed, anxious and you have pain everywhere. There’s no pill to help that. You’re getting worse. At this point we can do a hysterectomy.”

32 years old. 0 pregnancies. 0 miscarriages. 1 broken body. 1 broken womb. 

So…The End has finally come. Hysterectomy. It's a sad and happy grief at the same time. While glowing women around me are in their prime of birthing babies, I will lose that part of me to a hysterectomy. My miracle babies will hopefully still come to me in a different way. Hopefully The End means a new beginning, with a less broken body.

This story of ours, the heartbreak and healing, trials and triumph, mourning and miracles, grief and gratitude, pain and pure joy, has taken the blinders from my eyes. All of our stories are intertwined. Loss, grief and sadness seeps into all of our lives, in one way or another. And we all have experiences that leave our shoulders pinned beneath heavy boulders. Some loads last only days, others last months to years and some last a lifetime. Some loads simply titter off, while some threatening to come crashing down on us. Despite these rockfalls of life, these burdens don't have to render you worthless. You have worth, no matter what load you are carrying. You are always enough. You are always loved. Someday you will be stronger...because of these loads. Be gentle with yourself and love yourself...because so many others do.  

We'll make it through. 

We found our missing piece...

SHE'S HERE! We're home...and we are in love with this little lady! What a miracle she is! We met the newest member of our family this last Monday! What a whirlwind week...her birth dad delivered her at home...he called 911 and they walked him though the delivery! What heroes her birth parents are! She is a 5lb 8oz bundle of pure joy...and we are so grateful she is here. We are so grateful to her sweet birth family for sharing her with us...she's a miracle to us! They gave us the greatest gift ever...the missing piece of our family! Welcome baby Lucy!! 

Thank you everyone for all your thoughts and prayers! My goodness, we couldn't have gotten here without them! Please keep the prayers up for our sweet Lucy's birth family...we love them!

Steve's key to raising a happy baby...

I BEG Steve to dance for me all the time because quite frankly, it's hilarious. Not hilarious because he's bad...no, no. It's hilarious because the boy has some seriously good moves. I wish I had actual footage of him dancing, because he is AWESOME. Who knew that the 6'8 lanky white guy could get down!? He's got the Dougie and Stanky Leg down to a tee. (Just in case you don't know these classic dances...here's the break down for you...)

Steve sent me this funny little video this morning, and this is what he said "The key to raising a happy baby will be to teach him/her some of my dance moves..." 

Yessssssssssss. 

EXCITING NEWS!

Some exciting news in the Haslam household and our adoption story...WE'RE APPROVED AND PUBLISHED! We're approved to adopt through LDS Family Services! We have a profile on their "It's About Love" site...you can check it out here!

https://itsaboutlove.org/ial/profiles/32425765/ourMessage.jsf

Please, if you can in ANY way pass along, email, txt, blog, send an owl out into the universe, and share our story and profile, we would be SO appreciative!

The sad news is...we don't have very long! LDS Family Services is discontinuing to do adoptions at the end of the year! We feel SO very fortunate we get to be with them for a couple of months...so we're going to make those months count!

I'm an continually in awe and amazement at the kindness of everyone that has helped us so far spread the news! THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!!

A Missing Piece of Us

3 summers...

Now back to our regularly scheduled love story...

I've always loved the feeling of summer. Long, beautiful sunsets. BBQ's on the back porch, and twilight walks around the neighborhood. Ice cream, watermelon, and corn-on-the-cob. Drive-in movies, and fireworks. Lazy days and pool lounging. Family parties, vacations, and campouts. Porch rocking chairs and starry starry nights.

They are months warm with some of my most favorite memories. Three summers ago, we went on our first date. Two summers ago, we married.  Last summer, we spent the days fixing up our first house, making it our home.

I realize that this is really glazing over the rest of our "love story", but to me it's a lovely way to sum everything up. Because to me, it feels like we've had ages of summers together...when in reality we've only had three beautiful ones together. And they were full of light, laughter and love. And that's all there really is to us, and our story...light, laughter and love.

I'm excited to see what this summer has in store for us...

Craaaaaaazy

Returning to our regularly scheduled story...

That month of July was a whirlwind that changed my life.

From that first date on...we spent every day we could together. We were inseparable. Joined at the hip. Two peas in a pod. The summer was filled with lunchtime adventures, soccer games, flowers, sing-a-longs, ice cream, salt lake sunrises and sunsets, art, poetry, mountains, get-togethers with friends, pioneer day celebration, laughing, sunday family dinners, bowling, late night walks and late night talks.

It was love.

Up to that point I had scoffed at "those people" who dated, got engaged and married in three months. PSHHH! How could you know after such little time!?

People...I knew. I knew on that first date I was going to marry that boy.  Call me crazy...but I knew.

But...the warmth of summer was quickly coming to an end, and reality was hitting hard and fast. Steve had a job waiting for him in Alabama. I had a job waiting for me in Utah. And in case you didn't know, Utah and Alabama are about 1,850 miles apart. Yeah...things were about to change...

The Man-Version is Always Less Majestic

She’s right; her hair was rather “big.” But that wasn’t entirely her fault. Of the few things I do remember about that day (and this is because I have THE worst short term memory, and not because it wasn’t the most magical day ever) I remember that it was particularly windy for being downtown. I mean, usually the skyscrapers will block most of the gusts depending on which way they are headed, but this time, my new found friend was getting one in the face and her hair was…a loft. But that didn’t stop me from remembering or knowing that there was something special about this girl.

Now, Jamie and others will say that I give the best hugs. But the truth is, I hadn’t been that much of a hugger up to that point. Hugs were always an awkward past time, with having to bend over or awkwardly hug people with their face to my belly button all the time. Jamie was tall[er] and this was going to be a good hug. She made it possible, not me. From that moment and many moments from then on, I came quick to judge others based on their hugs (and I hug a lot of people now). I could just tell immediately that she had a lot of love to give someone. It wasn’t too much and it wasn’t tender or fragile, it was like a familiar warm blanket, it was like I had known her my whole life. I think most importantly, though this is something men would be quick to deny they need, I felt safety; I felt confident that this woman would never hurt me. Now that’s a lot to get out of a small moment with a supposed horrible memory, but as I began writing this post, I was pleased that it all started coming back.

We spoke a lot in the car, and we spoke, laughed, and made eye contact a lot at dinner. I was continuing to do a lot of things that I had struggled with in the past. I don’t want to say I wasn’t struggling or fighting to make sure that I did everything right, but I remember being at ease. I remember feeling intrigued and desperate to know more.  We were at Buca Di Beppo, and we both had also just tried the Purple Pear for the first time. Perhaps those two things cast a love spell. I can’t be sure, to be honest.

I’m not going to talk a whole lot about the soccer game because I did that at that game. It was a lot of fun to answer questions about something I have been passionate about for years. She seemed really into everything I was saying and perhaps that helped to build the confidence in me to keep going. After the game, we got into Cold Stone just as they were closing. We sat out on the porch in the summer night and just talked.  That was when I started truly falling for her. It wasn’t when (I forgot to mention I held her hand and we snugged at the soccer game) we held hands for the first time, it was when I saw her eyes light up as she does anytime she explains something to anyone. She begins with “So…” and takes a breath with a smile. I was pretty sure, that as she began talking about something silly like rocks or geology or something, that I was falling in love. This was magnified when she allowed me to belt “Lady” by Styx, while changing the “Lady” to “Jamie,” and it only grew when we held hands prior to singing “Benny and the Jets” in unison, while cruising State. I’ll let Jamie divulge what happened next if she so desires, but just know that was one of the greatest nights of my life. And yes, we have the ticket to the RSL game framed in my RSL man cave. What now?

I've Been Looking For You...

Back to our regularly scheduled love story...

July 9th, 2011. The DATE. I remember it like yesterday. The summer sun whipping my face as I drove up to Salt Lake in the stifling heat...my little grey car didn't have air conditioning. I remember worrying that I was going to be a melted mess by the time I got there and all that time I spent getting cute was probably for naught (I even remember what I was wearing...shorts, and a billowy blue shirt). I arrived at the designated spot (the parking lot at the building where I worked) a little early...thankfully allowing me some time to run to the bathroom to mop myself up. I remember looking in the mirror and praying "Please, don't let me mess this up...there's something about this boy that I REALLY like!"

Hoping my pounding heart would return to a normal beat, I gathered my courage and returned to the parking lot, only to spot a 6'8 towering frame coming towards me. "Jamie!?" called a familiar voice across the lot. It was HIM. Finally, to be able to put a face with the voice I knew very well by this point. And wow...was he TALL (and very cute)!  I don't remember what he said/what I said...but I do remember he gave me a big hug...and that I needed to stand on my tip toes to receive it. (I asked Steve what he remembers about this moment, he remembers that my hair looked really big...HA!).  

There were only two cars in the lot...his and mine. I almost laughed when I saw his. A tiny blue Toyota Yaris. "How do you fit in this thing!?" was probably my attempt at breaking the ice. 

As we drove to dinner, the car was filled with quietness. I remember him telling me before we met that he was hard to initally break into in-person. Internally I started to slightly panic, hoping that he would be the same in boy I knew from over the phone. "I've been looking for you...and don't you worry, by the end of the night I'm going to break into you Stephen Haslam" I said out loud, and gave him a big smile. I felt the fear melt away, and knew that I was in for a good night...

The Call

Now back to our regularly scheduled story...

I really wish that I would had saved the messages that we sent back and forth when were finally put into contact with each other (awww, thanks eHarmony's customer service!)...it would be fun to look back at them. (And I'm sure there was a message or two in there trying to figure out how customer service had become invovled).  Those first few days of getting to know Steve...there was something between us, it just clicked.

While messaging was fun, things were progressing and I knew the next step was to talk on the phone.  But here's the thing...I HATE talking on the phone! BAAA! It's just not my cup of tea. I get anxiety about it. My palms are sweaty just thinking about it. So when Steve asked for my number...I freaked out a little. I didn't want to ruin the good momentum we had going! It was so easy hiding behind the safety of my computer screen, having all the time I needed to compose witty and cute messages. What if I wasn't so witty and cute on the spot!? But with the way things were going I knew we probably should talk sometime, so I hesitantly agreed. I was so afraid though! What if I screwed things up again!?

As my phone rang, I remember saying a little prayer...(probably something to the effect of "Heavenly Father, please help me not to be a dork").  I remember glancing down at the list of questions/prompts I had written down just in case my mind were to go blank (yes, I actually wrote down a list). And finally, I remember doing a little pump-up dance to courage-up, and then I finally answered my phone. "Hello?" 

And that was the start of history folks. That first phone call was my first indication that something was really special about Steve. He got me to open up, and we talked for hours. It just flowed. It was natural. It was easy. It was magical. That was the best phone call of my life. 

Try, try again

"Whaaaaaat the...?!" was my initial reaction to the rather personalized email I had just received from eHarmony customer service.

"Would you like to re-initiate a connection with Steve? He'd like to get to know you! If so, please let us know, and we'll help get you in touch with him." Oh really? Didn't eHarmony customer service know that I was giving up on dating!?

You see, merely days earlier I had sworn off dating after going on the worst date of my life. (If you must know...I had gone on a 12 HOUR blind date, and I spent half of that time miserably car sick. My date, that I barely knew had to chauffeur home as I laid in the back seat of his car dying trying to keep the contents of my stomach in place. Most embarrassing day of my life).   As a result of this awful date, I had rashly cleaned out my online dating inbox, and in doing so, I had unknowingly cut off any contact from potential suitors.  And my actions had unknowingly caused a particular-future potential suitor (Steve) to have a heart attack.

So, who was this guy anyway? And why did he want to get to know me? If he was willing to go to the trouble of getting eHarmony customer service involved, I should at least consider hearing what he had to say to me! After checking out his profile (a few times according to Steve), I had a change of heart about giving up. There was something about him that made me want to give dating one more try.

Okay eHarmony customer service, you win. I won't give up. I'd like to try again. I'll get to know this Steve...

The Beginning...

I've been reading a blog from a man who just recently lost his wife. They met when they were 8 years old, and were childhood sweethearts. It has impressed and touched me as I've read their story that he not only shares his feelings for his sweet wife, but that he's compiled an incredible story to share and leave with his family. 

SO I thought that I'd start to share our story. How we got here...looking for our missing piece. As simple as sharing our story may be, maybe it will be just for us, for our family down the line, but maybe it may be for the help of others. Who knows!

 Let's start at the very beginning, because that's a very good place to start! And as with every story, there's always two sides...here's Steve's...

"Jamie and I met online. Now before the gasps of sacrilege fill the room, especially from those who believe in traditional courtship, please know that I had to fight for this woman.  

In the realm of online dating, especially the pricey sites, folks are matched up via compatibility quizzes and such. I had recently been through quite a horrific divorce and I was looking for someone who not only loved the Lord, but who had a combination of brains and a love for art if at all possible. Well, when I stumbled upon Jamie’s profile, which read: “Geologist by day, photographer by night.” I was intrigued. I couldn’t see a picture. I hadn’t paid for that privilege. But as cheezie as it may sound, something felt good about this girl. Little did I know, this lady was thinking of me too. But in a different way. As Jamie was going through her matches, she came across my profile, amongst a supposed plethora of others. But instead of wanting to know more, the lady clicked “delete.”

As I was admiring the words on her description, an orange flashing button popped up on my screen. I was so ewed and awed by this person I hadn’t seen, that I happily clicked the big flashing button without realizing that the words on the button read “permanently delete.” The follow up message revealed to me what I had done. I think I literally slapped the computer monitor across the face. I couldn’t believe what I was reading. I panicked. Stopped. And panicked again. I truly believe the Lord was telling me: “Man, you messed up the plan on this one.” Something just felt amazing about this girl. So I tried to find her, searched what information I had and nothing came. A note popped up saying that Jamie had chosen to delete me and that by accepting, contact with Jamie would not be possible. I panicked again. “What have I done?” I contacted customer service and asked what could be done. They told me that I could write to Jamie via customer service and ask to reinitiate contact. Jamie would have to accept the communication and also choose to accept or reject my request. The catch was that in order to send her the message, I would have to be a member. Things became a little more tricky. Where these sites get you is by giving you a deal for multiple month memberships vs. a one-time membership. Membership for a month would cost me almost $80. I thought about it. What if she were to reject me? I prayed about it, thought about it some more, and I did it. I wrote her a nice little message about my blunder, how I wanted to get to know her..."

Welcome!

Welcome to our adoption blog! We Steve and Jamie, and we're so excited to be starting this adoption adventure. We know that a missing piece of us is out there, waiting to be a part of our family. We have hope and faith in Heavenly Father's plan that we will find our missing piece! Thank you for stopping by, and for helping us get the word out! We are so grateful!