What do we do now?

As the dust of 2014 settles, we're staring at the complete unknowns of the new year, and we're slightly paralyzed at the prospect. What does the new year hold for us in our adoption adventure? Well...we'll fill ya in!

We were so grateful to have an agency to help us navigating the world of adoption during this past year.  2015 is bringing some big changes though...hopeful adoptive couples (like us!) will no longer be able to adopt through LDS Family Services. That means...we're on our own now to find our family. And that is scary.

We have so many questions. Do we try this on our own? Do we find a new agency? Which one? Financing? Fundraising? (Did you know that going with an agency costs on average about $30,000? Yeah...quite the sticker shock!). Questions, questions, questions. What do we do now? What do we do now...

The unknown is scary. But both fear and faith demand you believe in something you cannot see. You choose! I know deep down that something is going to work. We WILL find our family. I have no idea how...but I have faith that we'll find our way. We're so grateful for the countless friends, family and even strangers out there sharing our story, and cheering us on. We don't feel so alone because of you. Thank you SO much! Will you keep cheering us on as we keep figuring this out? Will you keep reading our story, and sharing our story as we keep figuring this out? Who knows...maybe through you...we'll find the path to our family?

Getting Ready...

Dear Babe,

It's such an odd feeling of not knowing when you'll show up! It could be months from now...it could be next week? I was talking with your daddy the other night about how surreal it will feel to finally have you with us...we'll be over the moon with excitement! Even though we don't know when you're coming, we're getting ready like you're coming tomorrow!

We've got names picked out. We've got cute baby clothes for you to wear. We've got a cute red crib for you to sleep in. We've got a car seat to keep you safe in. I've even made you a baby quilt to keep you warm. AND most importantly, we've got lots of love to give you!

I'm not like the other momma's...I won't have 9 months of nesting. And sometimes I feel like an impostor having all this stuff ready (you know, since i'm not technically a mom). But you know what? That doesn't matter to me. Getting ready for you to come to our family little by little now...it helps you grow in my heart everyday...and you don't feel so far away to me.

I love you!

Your Some-Day Momma

I hate to see your heartbreak...

1. Dear Birthmom, 

   
   

   We love music around our house. Like a whole lot. Steve and I are always showing each other new bands/songs that we've discovered during the day..."you've got to listen to this!" 

   
   

   Steve showed me a new tune the other day, and it conveyed the feeling of something I've been thinking about for a while now.  I know that someday our greatest joy will cause you your greatest pain...and that breaks my heart. And I've never really wanted to write about this impending hurt...because the thought hurts too much. But I think I found some words to match my feelings on this.  I hate to see your heartbreak...(but) for all the air that's in your lungs, for all the joy that is to come, for all the things that you're alive to feel, just let the pain remind you hearts can HEAL. 

   
   

   The pain will heal, and joy will come. We can experience it, and help each other get through it together! 

   
   
   

2. 

   
   

At the edge...

Dear birthmom, 

I imagine when you're faced with making the choice to either place or parent...I imagine it's not a light one. The weight it must be on your shoulders...we wish we could  help in ANY way carry it for you! 

I know when I've been on the edge of a huge decision, and it's hard to see where it will take me...faith has helped bring peace to my heart, and helped me move forward, leading me to some amazing places.

Just know...we have faith in you...you're going to do amazing things. 

Love you! 

Jamie

The In-Between Moms

I LOVED this post. There are SO many emotions that come with facing infertility...and this sweet some-day momma's thoughts have honestly and bravely summed up so well what it feels like in the day-to-day thick of this trial...

"We are the in-between moms. Our hearts feel like moms, but our homes don’t have much to show for it. We’re actively attempting to grow our families. We’re starting the adoption process or fostering another mama’s babe or trying to conceive naturally or starting fertility treatments.

We sometimes feel like outsiders in groups of other women. We aren’t trying to get that big promotion. Or sometimes we are, but we’re considering what stay-at-home motherhood would be like, too. We aren’t exhausted from being up at night with our baby or chasing our toddler through Target. But we wish we were. We chime in with the potty training and breastfeeding and kindergarten stories of our friends and sisters, but we wish we had our own.

We pay attention to the latest products and trends. We know about babywearing, but we’ve never had one to wear. We know all about the benefits of that yucky nose sucker thing, but it’s sitting on our registry, not in our home.

We have a room for our future children in different states of preparedness. A toddler bed bought during a can’t-be-passed-up sale, a stack of perfectly-new never-read books, a diaper pail bought at our neighbor’s garage sale, or a piece of art thoughtfully gifted to us by a mom who has been here, done this.

Or maybe our in-betweeness is less obvious. We’ve had quiet conversations with our husbands about what route we should take if we aren’t pregnant by our anniversary. We have a box in the basement with that little purple dress we just couldn’t stand to pass up at the mall. We bring our box of Christmas decorations up and find those extra two stockings we bought last year, but we quietly tuck them back in the box to go back into storage.

We make plans, but we always keep in mind the potential for changes to our plans. Let’s just go to Chicago for vacation this year, but if their adoption is finalized, it wouldn’t be too hard to travel across country borders to Toronto instead. Let’s buy tickets for that upcoming concert, but let’s sell them on Craigslist if we get the call that we’ve been matched. Let’s start looking for a new job, but let’s stay open to staying at this job so we can keep the health benefits and time off.

We have emotions and outlooks that might resemble roller coasters from day-to-day. We have days of bitterness and despair. And we have days of total contentment and understanding. He has a plan for our lives. He has a plan for growing our families. He will meet our every need. (But what about our wants?)

We feel a little sorry for our complicated feelings and family status. But should we be? We wish you had first-hand experience with these feelings. We wish we had first-hand experience with what it feels like to have a child who is legally, permanently in your family.

We long for that. We long for an easy answer to the are-you-a-mother question."

The Best Gift Ever

Dear Birthmom, 
I hope that you know someday when you are here...that there is always hope, and there is always grace. I hope that you know that YOU ARE SO LOVED!
I am so grateful for such amazing and courageous women, who do amazing and courageous things to bless the lives of others with so much love!  Love you! Jamie

Picking up the pieces

Dear Birthmom, 

The choice you make to place may tip you over, but know that we'll be there to help pick up the pieces and help make you whole. Your happiness is our happiness. I hope you know just how much of a miracle you are...you'll pick up our broken pieces and make our family whole. 

Love you!

Jamie

True Love

True love...seeing your sweet husband so graciously let go of something he wants more than anything in the world, and in spite of his broken heart, he reaches out in love. He has the biggest of hearts and kindest of souls...oh how I love that boy! 

Why

Dear Birthmom, 

Do you ever wonder...why me? Why is this happening to ME? This wasn't the plan...at all...

If it were up to me and my "plan",  I would have had bunches of babies by now. But instead I'm 29, with no babies. But there's a reason why we are here. There's a reason why this is our plan instead. There's a reason, and someday all the "WHY'S!?" of life will add up. 

We all have different why's...and I love the perspective this young dad and husband has on his...

"This year has been a year of shakeups. It was rough.  This past spring I was entrusted with being the mid-distance coach at SUU.  It was the moment I was finally able to put the previous 7 years of education to use as a coach.  It's really the moment every aspiring NCAA coach dreams of.  But then, despite having the recruiting and coaching years of my life, I was suddenly cast out of the University just because I was the nephew of the head coach. We were then thrust into a whirlwind of contingency scenarios and endless job applications.  Eventually, my brother-in-law came to the rescue and got me an interview at his company in SLC.  I luckily got it but that meant moving, and even more daunting, learning a profession I had ZERO background in.  The whole idea of a 90 minute commute was foreign to me.  The whole idea of not using any of my formal education was sickening.  The whole idea of going from a job that I was actually pretty good at to one that I was incompetent at, wasn't real fun.  And, more than anything, the idea of not doing what I was passionate about and what I dedicated my life to for the past decade, due to another person's whim, was hard to stomach.  Of course we both figured we just move forward from here and start a new life.  We both accepted it.  But 2014 wasn't done with us yet.  My uncle suddenly died, which left a lot of us thinking, "what could I have done better?"  Then, just a week later....

"There's no easy way to put this but....you have cancer."      

I stared at the doctor and I was emotionless.  I'm not a very emotional guy in the first place so I thought that  maybe this summer's career merry-go-round used it all up.  But this is the point where I want to change the tune of this blog entry.  I know so far it has been a giant sob story but it was meant only to be context for what I want to write about now.

As most people know, I'm a "believer," if you will.  I'm a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.  I'm a Mormon.  I believe in God and everything that goes along with that.  As this story has unfolded I can honestly say that instead of throwing a temper tantrum and shaking my fists toward heaven I could only help but wait and see what He had in store for us.  I, of course, was wondering "why?" after losing my job.  NOTHING made sense about it to me.  I was sitting on my bed early last month writing in my journal and I had to stop and write something to the effect of "I am certain there is something bigger to this job mess, I just don't know what it is yet."  I could genuinely already feel God's hand at work.  I was sure there was some purpose to this, just like there is to everything in our lives and all around us. 

As we were sitting in the doctor's office and received word that the pathology report came back saying the object in my sinus tested positive for cancer, it was like the blinders were torn off.  What made absolutely no sense one minute made complete sense the very next.  We had to be up here.  There's no way they would have figured out I had cancer down in Cedar.  I would have continued trying to treat a sinus infection until it was too late.  I didn't have time for doctor appointments, I was on the road 2-4 days/week.  I also had to be in Salt Lake to have access to the high-level doctors at the Hunstman Cancer Institute.  It all made sense.  But then I had to ask myself....why cancer?

Just last week we were sitting in the office of Elder Nash of the Seventy, one of the leaders of our church.  He was one of the most genuine and kind people I have ever met.  As we spoke with him, he jumped up and grabbed his scriptures.  He narrated a story from the Book of Mormon that Kacee and I were both familiar with but he emphasized a verse that he felt impressed to share with us.  It read: "And I will also ease the burdens which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs...and this will I do that ye may stand as witnesses for me hereafter, and that ye may know of a surety that I, the Lord God, do visit my people in their afflictions."

I am absolutely certain that God is a personal God.  He knows each and every one of us, by name.  He is the great orchestrator of this entire Universe and yet somehow, miraculously, also that of each breath of every single one of our individual lives.  Since the minute I found out I had cancer I have literally never feared for my life.  I don't know what the plan is from here on out, as usual, but I wrote in my journal just a couple days before meeting with Elder Nash that "I'm not sure why death isn't a possibility but there is something more to this.  He has a plan in mind for giving me this one, I guess we'll have to wait to find out what it is..."  

Original blogpost found here

I love that perspective...there is divine orchestration in our lives...we will always be lead to where we need to be.

Love you!

Jamie

Cold

I thought I'd start writing about little snapshots of our life. I feel like our everyday-here-and-now life story IS a story worth telling to you too. This is us! I get so caught up in looking so far ahead, waiting to see that day when our little babe is here in our home...that I forget that the here-and-now of our life is pretty beautiful too. 

Today, it snowed...and the coldness seeped it's icy fingers into our little home. Frosty lace raced up the window panes, while the furnace furiously whooshed warm air in response to it's threatening advances.  We fought off the sting of the harsh seasonal slap by spending the day hunkered down in hibernation mode. Piling on layers of sweats, drinking steaming mint hot cocco, crafting away (me), writting away (him), and snuggling up together under a mountain of blankets. All in all, it's been a pretty dang good day...coldness and all.

The Drive

So many thoughts and feelings buzzing around us this week...it's been really hard to process and work through. Facing hard things in life is kind of like being on a road trip with two passengers...faith and fear. You're going to need help driving on this road trip...which one would you rather have help drive? 

Our sweet friend who is facing hard things too blogged this quote today, and I loved it!

"Don't let your heart become hard. Tough times can test us and sometimes make us question God and His ways. Always reach out and strive to become closer to Him. He does hear you, He does care, and He does answer your prayers. Be open to receiving His answer as it may come in a form you least expect"

Fear is kind of a scary driver...so we're going to let faith take the wheel. 

 

The Power of Hope

Dear Birthmom,

Love you! 

Jamie

Creating Family

I love this site (BraveLove), and the awareness they are spreading about the awesomeness of adoption! They always have really touching and inspiring stories about adoption. I've loved reading their most recent story..."The Creating Family Series"...it's a 4-part story shared through the eyes of a birth mother, the daughter she raised, the daughter she placed, and the woman she chose to raise her daughter. No matter what, LOVE makes a family!

Pregnant and Scared: Through the Eye's of a Birth Mother

A Child of Two Families: Through the Eye's of the Child

Sisters: Through the Eye's of a Sister

Stepping Stones

Dear Birthmom,

I feel like I'm just starting to get a grasp on learning how to take this adoption journey a "stepping stone" at a time. Looking too far into the future creates too much anxiety. All the what if's and unknowns stack up into an impassible mountain, blocking my view to our goal...finding our family.

So, how do I take things a stepping stone at a time?

I have a dear friend of mine facing a mountain too. And though our mountains are different (don't we ALL have mountains to face?), the way we climb can be the same...and I wanted to share her sweet, encouraging and uplifting words...

"A few months ago, I purchased a seven day jumbo pill-case. Statistically speaking, I was probably one of the youngest individuals ever to own such a product. It was a proud moment.

And then it was time to fill-‘er-up!  60 some odd pills later and I was ready for the upcoming week. Antidepressants, additional antidepressants, preventative headache medication, and much more. All to get me to a somewhat functional state.   

I would be lying if I said I wasn’t waiting to be healed. Waiting to wake up one morning and just “feel good” mentally and physically. Waiting for an absence of panic attacks and obsessive compulsive behavior, for freedom from headaches and fatigue, and more than anything, for the chemicals in my brain to balance out already! 

Many of the entries written in this very space focus on waiting for something.  It is my testimony that it's in the "waiting" that our Father in heaven has the highest success rate in teaching us about His Son. The lessons that we learn during those dark moments are the ones that truly stick.

“Everything that is unfair about life can be made right through the Atonement of Jesus Christ”.  

-Preach My Gospel

This is my all-time favorite quote (I've been contemplating stitching it on a pillow). And it doubles as a promise! It became a very personal, spiritual gem while I served as a missionary in southern Italy.  I would read it time and time again, and recite it over and over in my mind.  In my opinion, the Italian verb for “made right” more fully expresses what this promise really signifies.  

“made right” (English)-- “sistemato” (Italian)

“Sistemato” means, to get “worked out”, or “figured out”, or to finally be “organized”.

After dozens of doctor’s appointments, counseling sessions, and trips to the local pharmacy,... all in an effort to “figure out” what is wrong, and bring some organization to the disorganization that is my physical body, I am lifted by the hope that all of it will one day be “made right”.  I recently reviewed a talk by Elder Bednar entitled ‘Bear Up Their Burdens With Ease’.  He addresses the importance of assessing our individual "loads" (trials, obligations, afflictions, basically the "heavy stuff" we carry around from day to day).  He prompts us to ask: "Is the load I am carrying creating sufficient spiritual traction so I ultimately can return home to Heavenly Father?”  

Too often, I see my struggles with mental health as impediments to my being able to fully serve the Lord... "I just need to get through this, and then I'll finally be useful to Him again", or "These issues are keeping me from getting things done in His kingdom". Yet, that perspective misses the mark completely. Deep down, (like, really, really deep down, all the way under many of my vital organs...) I trust that there is wisdom in my diagnosis. I know that my God is counting on my correct usage of that load to build His kingdom in ways I never would have been able to without it. I may see my struggles as stumbling blocks, but He sees them as stepping stones. 

(You can find my friend's original post here...)

Deep, DEEP down, I know there's a reason why we're on this path, you and I. And I trust that there is wisdom in that, and in each stepping stone we've taken.  There is His wisdom in the timing, and in the people i've coming to know, and in all the ups and downs. We're going to get to our family one day, and we'll do it one stepping stone at a time. 

Love you!

Jamie

Two is too few

I LOVE art. Love, love, love it. It's in my blood...I come from a family of some pretty dang artistic and creative people. When I was a little girl, I was always doodling, and thought that being an animator at Disney would be my dream job. (Yeeeah...that dream never quite happened...)

BUT, I still love art, and I still love to doodle, and create. One of my favorite things about our house is it's like a mini art gallery. It's full of art that either I created, or favorite prints from other amazing artists that I've come across. I'm always on the search for something new for our walls! (Just ask Steve...he loves how I'm constantly moving things around...hehehe).

A few pieces from the Haslam gallery of late that have tugged at my heart strings...

Two is too few by Caitlin Connolly

there, there by Caitlin Connolly

Elizabeth Ann by Beth Allen

Doodle from my sketch book

8 years

I was thinking today about how long it took for Steve and I to find each other. 8 years. 8 years of highs and lows. 8 years of dead ends and try agains. 8 years of do I give up, or keep going.

8 years later...we finally found each other. 

But you know what? I would have waited around for him another 100 years if I knew that it was him I was waiting for. He was worth the wait!

Looking back, as hard and painful at times it was,  I wouldn't trade those years for anything...because it's all the sweeter now. I learned about myself, and I grew into a better person because of those 8 years. 

As we're looking for our missing pieces, who knows how long we'll search? 1 year? 8 years? 20 years?  How every long it may be, I do know one thing. It will be worth the wait...

Patchwork

We knew right off the bat that having children would be a tough path to go down. We knew that we were in for an adventure.  I don't think I was quite knew what this would do to my heart though...I read this quote this morning...and it struck me to my core.

"Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body." -E. Stone 

I've realized that my heart is definitely walking outside of my body. Instead of safely tucked inside a cage of bones...it's running, racing, and tumbling FREE.

I think that cage cracked open when we first shared our decision to adopt. That...that was the beginning. Our hearts spilling out, we decided to open up for all to see. It has been an extremely humbling and vulnerable thing to depend on someone else to help us grow our family in this way.

The upsets and disappointments we've come across have chipped away at our hearts each time. And as we've learned the stories of some amazing expectant mothers...we've willingly left a piece of our hearts with each of them.  That is something I didn't quite expect...how much I would feel the holes that were left. Hearts are precious things after all...

But this running, racing and tumbling heart of mine...it's turning out just fine. Those battle-scars have been covered with a patchwork of love. The help, support and encouragement we've received along the way has helped our hearts grow in ways that I could have never imagined possible.

And loving others I've learned...doesn't leave holes in your heart...it just makes your heart bigger.

A little niño...

Steve loves Halloween, and costumes are a requirement in this family. Last year Steve decided it was time to be Nacho Libre for Halloween. After all, it IS our favorite movie to quote to each other...so why the heck not!? Oh man, we went all out. We sat on our little porch, all costumed up, while the Nacho Libre soundtrack blared in the background. It was epic. As I watched Steve pass out candy to "all the little niños"...and it was hilarious. Let me tell you...he's going to be one fun dad! Some niños were slightly freaked out...wondering what this giant man was doing. But most of the niños ate it right up.  

I bring this up because lately in Steve's prayers he's been praying for "a little niño" to come our way...and it melts my heart. People ask us all the time...what kind of baby would you like to adopt? A girl? A boy? African American? Asian? White? Hispanic? Bi-racial? 

We'd love a little niño. We'd love a little 宝宝. We'd love a little yázhí. We'd love a little bambino. 

We would love a little baby...and would love them all the same. A baby is a baby…and we’re excited to have whatever special and beautiful "little niño" that comes our way!

You aren't Lost

Dear Birthmom,

There have been times on this journey that we've felt SO LOST. Despairing darkness swirling all around, threatening to cover the path before us. Which way do we go? Should we try this? Should we try that? Why didn't it work? Have we failed? Will we fail?

Are we doing the right thing...?

As hopeless as that has made us feel...I can tell you this. The Light ALWAYS returns. We've never been completely lost. If I'm down...Steve picks me up. If he's down, I pick him up. We ALWAYS get back up, and move forward. It may just be baby steps...but we always move forward.  It may take a couple of days...it may take a couple of months...or even years, but the hope returns. There is ALWAYS hope. Always.

We love you,

Jamie

Where is the love?

Dear Birthmom, 

This week...I felt tired and weary. Tired of being strong. Weary of suppressing that aching deep down in my bones. Tired of not being able to see the path in front of us. Weary of waiting. 

I think i've realized why the pain has gotten the best of me this week...

I lost my focus. 

My focus should be YOU. And I'll be honest...I was selfishly wrapped up in my pain. This part of the journey isn't about us...it's about YOU!!!! And I let my pain get in the way and discouraged me of remembering that week...and I am so sorry!!!

I feel really strongly that one of the big life lessons we're supposed to get out of this experience is to learn how to love more deeply than we every have before...

When I think about you, and how I can lift you up, cheer you on, make life cheerier for you, and how to love you...this burden we're carrying doesn't seem so heavy. And I need to remember that...that's what life is about! Loving one another, lifting one another up, cheering each other one! 

LOVE you!

Jamie

Steve's key to raising a happy baby...

I BEG Steve to dance for me all the time because quite frankly, it's hilarious. Not hilarious because he's bad...no, no. It's hilarious because the boy has some seriously good moves. I wish I had actual footage of him dancing, because he is AWESOME. Who knew that the 6'8 lanky white guy could get down!? He's got the Dougie and Stanky Leg down to a tee. (Just in case you don't know these classic dances...here's the break down for you...)

Steve sent me this funny little video this morning, and this is what he said "The key to raising a happy baby will be to teach him/her some of my dance moves..." 

Yessssssssssss. 

The Spirit of Adventure...

Steve came home this week telling me about the big plans for his newspaper classes homecoming float...NEWSIES. Being children of the 80's/90's...naturally we thought it would be an awesome idea...who doesn't love the Newsies!? Well...it turns out his newspaper class didn't...they didn't even know what the movie was (come on kids...it's a CLASSIC). They had different plans...and they were going with UP.  Now it was Steve's turn to not be in the know (to my shock and dismay). So our date night last night consisted of watching UP, to get him up to speed.

We both got teary-eyed as we watched that opening scene...because we get it. Even still, the pain of infertility strikes, aching deep down into our bones.

I loved watching the movie this time with that new empathy...because that's what our life is about now.

Adventure.

People tell us all the time..."You don't have any kids! Get out there while you're still free!" We have been lucky enough to go on some grand adventures and we've explored some really incredible places around the world.

But you know what? That's not true adventure in my eyes. Carl realized it. Family is our greatest adventure. LOVE is our greatest adventure. Steve is my adventure buddy through life...and I'm so glad he's by my side on our adoption adventure! Our family is going to be our greatest adventure!

I Like Adoption

This one made me teary-eyed...what an amazing family...

Impossibilites

Dear Birthmom, 

Sometimes I get discouraged or hurt because sometimes this feels impossible...and sometimes that scares me, because I don't want to fail. 

But I've started to realize though that no matter how this story ends, even if I fail...I am still God's precious child, and He loves me regardless.  He loves me enough to bless me with what's best. Discouragement, hurt, and even failure leads to growth. It’s okay for me to admit that I’m scared, hurt and even that I've failed, because He will help me grow...and that growth will help get me to where I need to be. With Him, nothing is impossible.

And that takes my fear away.

Love, Jamie