Dreaming

I've been really hesitant to talk about my dreams of our missing piece.  Right now...this whole part of the process I feel strongly that it ISN'T about us. It's about our birthmom...whoever she is, where ever she is. She needs love and support. Our job is to be here to cheer her on!

Sometimes I'm human, I do cave and catch myself dreaming...what if we were having a baby?  I see moms-to-be, with their cute baby bumps, and wonder if I'd look cute with one.  Steve lately has me thinking about nurseries "hey...let's look at cribs!" or "hey, let's explore the baby section at Target" or "hey, let's decorate our spare room for our baby, you know...just in case".  I wonder what it would be like to go to doctor appointments in anticipation for getting to see a little person growing in my belly.

I think mostly I just dream about the day that a sweet little babe will be snuggling in my arms. And that's all that matters to me. The only dream. I don't need a baby bump. I don't need a fancy crib. I don't need to see an ultrasound. All of that would be great...but I don't need it. The path to our baby will be uniquely special...and I'm okay with that.

GIVE

Dear Birthmom,

I think that sometimes people get the notion or have the misconception that adoption means giving up.

But that's just not the case! So much is given!

A birthmother gives her body for nine months. She gives life. She gives a child a family. She give unconditional love. She gives strength. She gives hope. She gives a part of her heart that will never feel whole. She gives another mother a part of her heart that was always missing.

You give a lot Birthmom. Never give up.

Love,
Jamie

I've Been Looking For You...

Back to our regularly scheduled love story...

July 9th, 2011. The DATE. I remember it like yesterday. The summer sun whipping my face as I drove up to Salt Lake in the stifling heat...my little grey car didn't have air conditioning. I remember worrying that I was going to be a melted mess by the time I got there and all that time I spent getting cute was probably for naught (I even remember what I was wearing...shorts, and a billowy blue shirt). I arrived at the designated spot (the parking lot at the building where I worked) a little early...thankfully allowing me some time to run to the bathroom to mop myself up. I remember looking in the mirror and praying "Please, don't let me mess this up...there's something about this boy that I REALLY like!"

Hoping my pounding heart would return to a normal beat, I gathered my courage and returned to the parking lot, only to spot a 6'8 towering frame coming towards me. "Jamie!?" called a familiar voice across the lot. It was HIM. Finally, to be able to put a face with the voice I knew very well by this point. And wow...was he TALL (and very cute)!  I don't remember what he said/what I said...but I do remember he gave me a big hug...and that I needed to stand on my tip toes to receive it. (I asked Steve what he remembers about this moment, he remembers that my hair looked really big...HA!).  

There were only two cars in the lot...his and mine. I almost laughed when I saw his. A tiny blue Toyota Yaris. "How do you fit in this thing!?" was probably my attempt at breaking the ice. 

As we drove to dinner, the car was filled with quietness. I remember him telling me before we met that he was hard to initally break into in-person. Internally I started to slightly panic, hoping that he would be the same in boy I knew from over the phone. "I've been looking for you...and don't you worry, by the end of the night I'm going to break into you Stephen Haslam" I said out loud, and gave him a big smile. I felt the fear melt away, and knew that I was in for a good night...

The Choice

I spent a few days with my sister and her cute family last weekend. I'm not going to lie...she has some of the cutest babies around. They are my favorite little people and I'm pretty lucky to be their Aunt Mimi. We played horsey, went swimming, read storybooks at bed time, and snuggled in the morning. 

One of the days of my visit, my sister and I drove to my grandma's house and spent the whole day with her.  In the morning we went to a women's conference being held in town and got to hear  Stephanie Nielsen speak. If you don't know Stephanie's story...well...it's pretty inspirational. She survived a plane crash, in which she was burned on over 80% of her body. Stephanie spoke of how she came back from such an apparent tragedy in her life...  

"Each night I pray for the strength to be able to accept whatever comes my way. I ask God to bless my heart to help us handle hard times, sickness, pain, frustration, and trials--which are inevitable in this mortal life, but particularly my mortal life. I have faith that God is in charge, and that He knows what is best for me and my family. I am grateful for my trails, they make me stronger and more resilient. Of course I hate the pain I feel, the hurt I experience, but I am the author of my own life and happiness and I choose the brighter way."

I love her attitude! We can choose how we respond to any situation in life. We can be mad. We can curse. We can yell "THIS ISN'T FAIR...why me!?"...OR we can take what life hands us, and choose the light over the darkness. We can choose to have faith, move forward, become stronger, and choose happiness.


I could be really mad/curse/yell "THIS ISN'T FAIR...why me!?" at this trial, and that I don't have my own little people to play horsey/swim/read storybooks with at bed time/snuggle in the morning. Or I could choose happiness. I choose the happiness route! Right now, I get the chance to be an awesome aunt...and practice for the time when I get to be a mom! 

Maybe you're reading this birth mom? Maybe you're going through a hard time? Remember...you can choose! You can choose happiness!

Repave

 It’s days like these, when I am grateful for the ambiguous language making up Justin Vernon’s lyrics. Some of my favorite moments with Jamie include her singing his songs with me and making up the words we know don’t belong on the lines. If you get the chance, you should check out the SNL skit where Justin Timberlake impersonates him as Bon Iver. You’ll get the gist.

His most recent project, Volcano Choir has been perhaps the most addictive thing that Jamie and I have listened to in a while. I was so happy when the vinyl finally came in the mail. We’ll let his vocals scratch and dip over the lovely instrumentals; let his words bounce around the walls of our home like impatient oxygen begging to be taken in. Every album we’ve heard of his has been crazy addictive.

The song “Comrade,” with its very catchy tune and lyrics, had me thinking about what has been the hardest part of all of this.

“Like I didn’t know it

Choking on the pulp of it

Semper Fi

You kept me on your long line

Tugging in the whole time…”

The ambiguousness allows me, thankfully, to get whatever I want from it. It could be about him and a girl just dragging him along. I chose to relate it to what has been the hardest part of this for me: being seemingly dragged along by birth parents who will likely never choose us. It’s tragic really, the hope they instill in us.

The album “Repave” has had me thinking a lot… Not just because of the music, but from the image on the cover…waves.

I feel like we’ve been stuck in some very treacherous waves. Waves meant to sink us and have us breaking out for air over and over. And as much as I hate it, and as dark and treacherous as the waves may be, they’re also…beautiful. There’s nothing beautiful about the ways that we struggle. But in the mysteriousness of all of this, I feel like something extraordinary is coming. That fact makes the waves beautiful. They can bounce and crash as hard as they would like. I know it will be worth it.

The Call

Now back to our regularly scheduled story...

I really wish that I would had saved the messages that we sent back and forth when were finally put into contact with each other (awww, thanks eHarmony's customer service!)...it would be fun to look back at them. (And I'm sure there was a message or two in there trying to figure out how customer service had become invovled).  Those first few days of getting to know Steve...there was something between us, it just clicked.

While messaging was fun, things were progressing and I knew the next step was to talk on the phone.  But here's the thing...I HATE talking on the phone! BAAA! It's just not my cup of tea. I get anxiety about it. My palms are sweaty just thinking about it. So when Steve asked for my number...I freaked out a little. I didn't want to ruin the good momentum we had going! It was so easy hiding behind the safety of my computer screen, having all the time I needed to compose witty and cute messages. What if I wasn't so witty and cute on the spot!? But with the way things were going I knew we probably should talk sometime, so I hesitantly agreed. I was so afraid though! What if I screwed things up again!?

As my phone rang, I remember saying a little prayer...(probably something to the effect of "Heavenly Father, please help me not to be a dork").  I remember glancing down at the list of questions/prompts I had written down just in case my mind were to go blank (yes, I actually wrote down a list). And finally, I remember doing a little pump-up dance to courage-up, and then I finally answered my phone. "Hello?" 

And that was the start of history folks. That first phone call was my first indication that something was really special about Steve. He got me to open up, and we talked for hours. It just flowed. It was natural. It was easy. It was magical. That was the best phone call of my life. 

Healing

I'll take a break from our story to talk a little bit about something that's been on my mind. Healing. 

Infertility is a hard thing to face. A really hard thing. Our broken bodies can't create the one thing we crave most. A baby. There are difficult days on this journey, but moving forward on a healing path, instead of and angry and bitter one has been the best way to accept what we're up against. Just because our bodies are broken, doesn't mean our sprits are! 

I follow a blog by a woman who is also facing infertility. Mara has such an incredible outlook on life! I've had the same questions, doubts and fears that she's had. I LOVE her approach and attitude towards facing this trial. Yesterday she shared her thoughts on healing. She says it so much better than I ever can...so I'll share her words...

If my body can't create a baby, how can I still be a mother? What I do to heal from this?

"I think of my truest identity. Instead of feeling conflicted with the "motherhood identity" that I "should" have, or that everybody else has, or that I can't have...I cling to a more important identity which is that of being a Woman of God or a woman full of light and love. That identity I can have. (We can all have that!) Living THAT identity does not require a baby. It does not require a husband, either. And I remind myself that if I couldn't pursue THAT identity first and foremost, I wouldn't be the kind of mother or wife I would want to be, anyway. 

Even though things haven't turned out the way I had hoped, I try to focus my thoughts on gratitude for the entire experience of infertility - as it has changed me. I am a different woman because of it and I would never, ever, ever want to go back! It has taught me everything good that I know. It has made me who I am. Reminding myself of this and focusing on gratitude helps the anger to dissolve.
Instead of being sad that my life won't look like everyone else's, I remind myself that I can still contribute in life. I'll try my best to do my part, just like I know everyone else is doing, too.  

I don't want to be isolated or feel on the outside and I know it would be 100% self-inflicted if I chose to feel that way (because seriously, my friends and their beautiful children are some of the best people ever.) And so, when I show up to church or friend gatherings, I just try to reach out to people with love (as they do the same for me.) I wish I could be even better, but I'm glad I've had so many opportunities to practice this as it has resulted in the best connections ever with so many people whom I love so, so dearly. My heart aches thinking of how much I would have missed out on if I chose not participate, or chose to shy away from other mothers, or to sulk and feel far away, thinking that I didn't belong. In reality, I think we ALL can relate to each other and support each other in so many ways, even in our very diverse circumstances. Doesn't matter if we are married, divorced, single, lesbian, infertile, mother of 6, childless, etc...we are ALL in this together. If only there was more time in each day to connect with more people." 

You can find her original post here! 

Try, try again

"Whaaaaaat the...?!" was my initial reaction to the rather personalized email I had just received from eHarmony customer service.

"Would you like to re-initiate a connection with Steve? He'd like to get to know you! If so, please let us know, and we'll help get you in touch with him." Oh really? Didn't eHarmony customer service know that I was giving up on dating!?

You see, merely days earlier I had sworn off dating after going on the worst date of my life. (If you must know...I had gone on a 12 HOUR blind date, and I spent half of that time miserably car sick. My date, that I barely knew had to chauffeur home as I laid in the back seat of his car dying trying to keep the contents of my stomach in place. Most embarrassing day of my life).   As a result of this awful date, I had rashly cleaned out my online dating inbox, and in doing so, I had unknowingly cut off any contact from potential suitors.  And my actions had unknowingly caused a particular-future potential suitor (Steve) to have a heart attack.

So, who was this guy anyway? And why did he want to get to know me? If he was willing to go to the trouble of getting eHarmony customer service involved, I should at least consider hearing what he had to say to me! After checking out his profile (a few times according to Steve), I had a change of heart about giving up. There was something about him that made me want to give dating one more try.

Okay eHarmony customer service, you win. I won't give up. I'd like to try again. I'll get to know this Steve...

The Beginning...

I've been reading a blog from a man who just recently lost his wife. They met when they were 8 years old, and were childhood sweethearts. It has impressed and touched me as I've read their story that he not only shares his feelings for his sweet wife, but that he's compiled an incredible story to share and leave with his family. 

SO I thought that I'd start to share our story. How we got here...looking for our missing piece. As simple as sharing our story may be, maybe it will be just for us, for our family down the line, but maybe it may be for the help of others. Who knows!

 Let's start at the very beginning, because that's a very good place to start! And as with every story, there's always two sides...here's Steve's...

"Jamie and I met online. Now before the gasps of sacrilege fill the room, especially from those who believe in traditional courtship, please know that I had to fight for this woman.  

In the realm of online dating, especially the pricey sites, folks are matched up via compatibility quizzes and such. I had recently been through quite a horrific divorce and I was looking for someone who not only loved the Lord, but who had a combination of brains and a love for art if at all possible. Well, when I stumbled upon Jamie’s profile, which read: “Geologist by day, photographer by night.” I was intrigued. I couldn’t see a picture. I hadn’t paid for that privilege. But as cheezie as it may sound, something felt good about this girl. Little did I know, this lady was thinking of me too. But in a different way. As Jamie was going through her matches, she came across my profile, amongst a supposed plethora of others. But instead of wanting to know more, the lady clicked “delete.”

As I was admiring the words on her description, an orange flashing button popped up on my screen. I was so ewed and awed by this person I hadn’t seen, that I happily clicked the big flashing button without realizing that the words on the button read “permanently delete.” The follow up message revealed to me what I had done. I think I literally slapped the computer monitor across the face. I couldn’t believe what I was reading. I panicked. Stopped. And panicked again. I truly believe the Lord was telling me: “Man, you messed up the plan on this one.” Something just felt amazing about this girl. So I tried to find her, searched what information I had and nothing came. A note popped up saying that Jamie had chosen to delete me and that by accepting, contact with Jamie would not be possible. I panicked again. “What have I done?” I contacted customer service and asked what could be done. They told me that I could write to Jamie via customer service and ask to reinitiate contact. Jamie would have to accept the communication and also choose to accept or reject my request. The catch was that in order to send her the message, I would have to be a member. Things became a little more tricky. Where these sites get you is by giving you a deal for multiple month memberships vs. a one-time membership. Membership for a month would cost me almost $80. I thought about it. What if she were to reject me? I prayed about it, thought about it some more, and I did it. I wrote her a nice little message about my blunder, how I wanted to get to know her..."

What are you worth?

Dear Birthmom,

The thought of self-worth has been on my mind lately. I don't know if you're like me, but it's something that I've struggled with before. Thoughts creep in...am I pretty enough? Smart enough? Good enough? Sadness. Doubt. Fear.

I'm here to remind you...don't let those thoughts creep in and pull you down! Look past those thoughts, and see who you really are! You don't need to settle for any less than your worth...and your worth is great! This is a hard situation, but it doesn't define you.  Never, EVER give up!

I found this quote from an inspiring birthmom...these were her thoughts on her self-worth:

"Birthmoms created life and gave their babies the life they deserved; and they deserve the same in return. We deserve the life we deserve! We are giving our children the best life. Now it's our turn."

Birthmom, you deserve the BEST! You deserve to be happy! You deserve to love, and be loved in return! And that life can happen. There's no point in sitting back in fear of never finding it.  Of course we can choose that fear-filled path...or we can get back up and do what we can to make the best of everything. There is always hope if you look for it!

Keep going...I will always be here to cheer you on!

Love,
Jamie

A letter from Grandpa Robinson...

Yesterday, I'm not going to lie...was a rough one. A deep-welling sadness settled, and we just couldn’t shake it.  Questioning..."why!?" as we hit a "down" portion of this roller coaster ride...it was a discouraging drop to say the least. 

One person came to mind yesterday that I really wished could be cheering us on right now. My Grandpa Robinson. He passed away last July, and we miss him terribly. His no-nonsense, dry humor, quick wit and wisdom always made the outlook on any situation look better.  And yesterday, just as I was craving some advice from him...I remembered a letter he wrote to me on my 11^th birthday. Reading his words helped chase the darkness away.

My grandpa was one of the hardest working men I've known. He was a seasoned rancher from southern Utah, and in his letter to 11-year-old me he writes…“This summer has been really dry-no rain. So now we’re out of water for our fields and garden. We pray for rain everyday and now Heavenly Father will bless us only after we have faith. “

How simply put.

The now 28-year-old me couldn’t help but to see the metaphor in his words. In these droughts of our lives, in the breaking moments, the "downs" of the roller coaster ride, when we need help...help is only a prayer away. 

After a quick prayer...friends and family brought rain to our drought of a day. They were right there by our sides, cheering us on and lifting us up. We are so grateful for good friends and family!